@

11.26.01back& forth
-------------------------------------


got back from swimming awards ceremony. andy called me as two year varsity. its my third year buddy but i still love you. our asst coach is leaving. i want to cry. ilovehersomuch. she is the best coach. damnitalltohell. i need to stop using invectives. i hate it. dont take advantage of what i have to say. please. (my mom explains --->)

i am very loyal.
i am analytical - as in, i look at things that i shouldn't in a greater perspective than they deserve.
i get my feelings hurt easily.
i am concerned and really just care about people
i talk to a wide variety of people during the day

0H! so funny. at the banquet clay said "step into the light" in this creepy coming from everywhere and nowhere voice in the auditorium. it was great. :). the collage is really nice; i love it. they played good riddance in the slide show and i didn't cry. just like eli (friend from tour) it doesnt get to me until the night time when i am alone and small curled up in a ball.

last night i wrote in my little purple spiral that is kept in my secret spring drawer in the antique desk. it was so inspiring to look over it & see how much i have changed. i sed to be so....worried. & i saw everything through somewhat rose colored glasses. somewhat. i am much more of a realist now. live the moment; this won't last forever. that was the basic message in the music played during the athletic slideshow. depressing.

but carpe noctem! ...seeing as i STILL havent done my english {due two weeks past}. what do i do when my procrastination has consequences? 0H again. i talked to steven today and he said something that made me smile. and i quote, "i wish i procrastinated. at least you get it done." why do i have such a problem recalling how to spell done? nathan you're rubbing off on me. xo.

i decided i am going to go to panama and do some other fun thing (creative writing if i can find a program...) for two weeks ish. and then i'm going to work {most likely lifeguarding or summer campin' it} here close to home. and i will swim everyday. and i will get most improved next year. i want to be one of the ones that makes him cry. i want the feeling of accomplishment. i want to transcend into the class of elite swimmers. i can do it. and i will. dont let me forget this.

it makes me happy to talk to other people other than the posse. then when i see them i have the confidence to be like hey! ive just talked to fifteen people! and they like me. and they think i'm cool, and interesting. and i feel like such a damn dork for actually writing this. because i know what i mean in my head but i just cant seem to say it.... and the only reason im trying to say it is so that when i get my feelings hurt and am being overly analytical i can see the good stuff; what makes me feel happy. this all sounds too cliche but just to hell with it. im tired & i need sleep. i could really use a prayer and a hug right now. and now i really think i am going to cry. just tell me that it will all be okay and maybe i'll calm down. im going to sleep. :)


-------------------------------------
archive. profile. notes. random.