he ims me, invites me to chatrooms. makes up multiple screennames and ims me on them, asking who i like. (i know, big fucking deal, right). but anyways. its nice to log on and have a screen filled with ims. anyways, parental controls log me off before i can respond. i asked him today if it was really him on aol� helaughed it doesn't usually happen, too much, anyways (filled screens). i miss talking to tour friends. i smile, thinking how small the world is, and not how i will never see them, wondering where exactly will i meet them again. in paris again, when i am on business. at a college party. someone's spouse at a highschool reunion in twenty years..

my chemistry teacher is so interesting. nice, mostly. he gave me packets of pauling information. i was so surprised, and quite pleasantly, at that. he makes me laugh. which makes chemistry bearable.

all day, i kept wanting to close my eyes and fall asleep.

my english teacher is too nice. i analyze literature and her questions well; she gives me extensions. it works well.

my waterpolo coach sees a future (in us). score, score. we passed a lot today (me & malons), and under pressure too� we laughed and laughed and laughed. we did funny crunches, pushups xalot, weightroom in the morning� i wonder if she ever realized how i never used to see her�scratch that. how she never made the effort to see me. how she let herself be pulled into another's grasp, cutting off her connections to me. i wonder, wonder if she ever even thought about it. but its like we've picked up right where we left off. i saw another her today, the grasper. i had a bunch of donuts & cookies & such things left over from the vso bakesale and was offering it to everyone. i laughed at her in my head. when i think about, her, and it, i want to cry a little. but i don't. not over that friendship. its not anything drifting, its been steered clear. i breathe a sigh of relief. when im with her, its like im at the world fair. its fun, but inside, i know im so much better than that. it took me a long enough time to realize that. long e-fucking-nough.

listening to music on the tennis courts in silence with bright blue skies with one lone cloud low in the sky, hiding beyond the sky scraping palm trees that lean invariably to the side, where my head rests perfectly on my bright red backpack. we sleep. i am busy looking at my curves and my stomach, pushing it with my fingers and trying to lie down comfortably. and then, i french braid my hair, loosely, and fall back down. just laying there. sugarcult and nirvana blast through her headphones.

you know what? i really have no problem sitting down at the computer, or table, at school, and talking to whoever is there. no qualms, no nothing. sometimes, i'd like to salute myself. im hoping this self tolerance bordering on appreciation will stay. i like it when i like myself. it doesn't happen too often, so im documenting these feelings.

i conclude with a blank stare, and (you guessed it) a smile.

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