the days the world spun

06.30.02back& forth
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i/ve used the stamps and drawn the careful stars and smiled at the curves of the letters and smiled, in the mailbox they go. it/s been rainy, had to wait a few days or the ink would run [reasoning]. i told Him i loved being with him and i wish he lived closer and everything. another He gave me a raquetball ball named after the one in castaway 'to remind me of the crazy boy i m-e-t' [it was difficult to accept] but i wasn/t going to make the same mistake twice and he hugged me a long time at the airport. he gave me a book of all the songs he poured his heart into, they/re my morning birds chirping alarm clock my new oxygen

and we/re all alone two feet Planted [makes me laugh thinking about in] walking on the cold wet grass just Standing There recovering breathing the tears are streaked on my face i/m sure i/m not too pretty when i cry

and its like before when he told me i was his recovery he/s telling me to remember i/m a really cool person [i just want to c-o-l-l-a-p-s-e] and so i close that door

i swing on the cold swing and let the sobs shake my body and the tears the only warm feeling its simple and sweet and there she is in his warm sweater giving me a hug and in one encapsulated moment they/re smiling i/m ready to roll down the hills, doing the cartwheels i taught myself

its the worst feeling in the world - though - knowing you/ve got this beautiful thing and experience and person in your heart and you/re THERE, at the place, knowing you/ll be l-e-a-v-i-n-g [it all behind] you talk to everyone about how to keep it, savor it.

[[ but you/ll still have to go back to people and to do lists and so many t.h.i.n.g.s.

to a place where there/s no tangible like mind like heart or even ccccc llllll ooooo sssss eeeee ; [you say i/m a dreamer, i say you/re a nonbeliever]

lump in my throat thinking about it all, the letters, the photographs, the words underlined in a book i can/t wait to know more .. the emails and phonecalls and the correspondences. ]]

its not what you do when you come back from a mountaintop experience, its what you believe


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