unforgettable character//
10.20.02back&
forth
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because really, i spent last night up late late late and thought this has really gone too far. he doesn.t know how i feel and that.s my fault. it.s not even silly. it.s just sad and pathetic. what makes me angry is thinking of what we will be in a year. [what we won.t] he will be in college, either four or fourteen hours away. and the thing is, i don.t see it any better. we.ll still talk online or on the phone, maybe, but probably only if i say hi first or call him. IT MAKES ME SO FUCKING ANGRY. i had more thoughts, but i forget because it.s not worth even talking about. a lot of the times, i forget he is d-e-a-d. oh now i remember. i.m too busy waiting for the perfect moment, or trying to find the absolutely brilliant words to say. i.m trying to hard to make him fall in love with me. because that.s me. i.m just trying to show him. I.M TIRED OF TRYING but then he does things like meet me for dinner when he doesn.t even eat, he just waits with me in line and i can.t stop smiling, and i don.t try so hard to make conversation. he says that this kind of makes up for math, or for not having math, or something like that. and then we go to his car and he takes a cd out of the player and gives it to me. and he.s sitting there in the car and i just gave him a hug, and said thanks. and he said it.s nice to see you, in the cutest, quietest way. i drove home, behind him. we got to the intersection where we go our separate ways and i had my windows up for once and i knew he was looking at me and i was just watching the light, but i couldn.t help it and looked at him and he had his window down grinning at me with his mouth open like he was going to say something [this hurts]. but he could turn right on red, and he did. leaving nothing but space where his car had been. leaving nothing but questions in me. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . i don.t know how to make it better. i want it to be better. he always IMs me now, asks what i.m doing this or that weekend, or how it.s cookin or something like that. i forget it.s a two way street and not. my. responsibility. i forget because i read what i.ve written here, and i remember. warning: the bad part about only documenting the best things makes the bad things easily forgotten. this cognitively distorts the reality of things. you. distort. my. reality. [i let you, i create it, i do all this to myself]. two way street you too two ways two ways two ways. i just know i.m going to miss what i never had in the first place. and what i did have, what i do have....
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