so he came over and watched me work. i needed a prescence to force me to work. and i showed him clearskies, but was too nervous to really show him, and so that must be done properly some other time. i don.t think he even got the address. he wanted to know about zines and he says it like the end of magazine. i spent too much time looking for them, since most of them were in the keys anyways. newest clever plan is to make a zine with him. one day when i.m bored slash motivated slash energetic slash assertive enough, it will happen. did i tell you i was nervous? but i smiled and my eyes hurt, the corners would crease and i could feel the smile all over my face. it was nice.

he read zines on the couch while i read canterbury tales at the desk. he said he didn.t want to distract me, but it was like, no stupid, you.re the only reason i.m even reading this. i said don.t go, or don.t leave, or something like that. and so we made a deal, or he made me a deal, and i accepted. so he left, and i wrote an essay, or pretended to, and then i couldn.t stand it any longer and just went over and we layed on his bed and no one was home and he was really cute about it. i brought cookies and in the middle of my rushed laughing explanation he just said thank you in this way� so. we got drinks and he offered me his house of food and i said no thanks and really, he.s so cute. the baby pictures on the fridge are adorable. he started picking up everything and he cleared everything off his bed except for pillows and blankets and he had all the blankets to rest on and gave me a pillow, and so we layed there and laughed about subtitles and how, really, everyone in this movie looks the same. i met his sister and the whole time, she.d be bouncing her soccer ball on the wall or blasting rap music and he.d be like i.m so sorry and go over and tell her to stop and she.d start yelling �you don.t have to watch the movie� and he came back in and was like, in case you didn.t hear, you don.t have to watch the movie. the whole thing was just so cute and i was there as a writer, as the girl of memories i am, because i wanted to remember every smell and feel and word. he said try to be uncomfortable, which you probably are, which i probably was at first, because on his bed? alone in the house? and shoes on the bed? i am silly like that, but i had the greatest time. watching him be excited about things is the best; his cheeks are just adorable and he just looked so much like his baby picture [imagine that.] two of his favorite things are x japan and bob dylan, and it.s so c-u-t-e how he.s liked all things japanese since he was eight, and he was showing me his action figure and he asked what i was like when i was eight. all i could remember about being eight was being in mrs. parkers class and there with this kid with a name like a mouthfull who ate his boogers and everyone made fun of him. and i remembered that i was in challenge [a gifted program] but that was no good because it just made me sound pretentious, i.m sure. but with all my faults and shortcoming and things like that� but really kids. cause i had happy birthday socks with bright polkadots and silk screened cakes with my chucks and a ringed charlie brown shirt where lucy is holding the football and charlie brown is falling and saying arrrrrrrrgh! and the cutest black pants and black classic belt, so i thought about it and decided if he doesn.t fall in love with me, he.s just stupid. for real. and i had to leave by eleven, and i told him and he changed the clock to ten and said see! no problem. and i still had to leave if i ever wanted to be able to go out again, and so he walked me to the door. i hugged him bye and he gives absolutely terrible hugs, he just kind of pats your back and it.s gruesome. it made me laugh so hard it was so terrible, and then i drove home in a hurry like usual. i.ve been listening to ani�s shy and what if no one.s watching. i.ve been driving places with the windows down, going to fast for my own good, and for other.s too. too fast, i say, but i go on. tonight i thought i.d like to skip school tomorrow. i told him that and he agreed. i really like my friends. no really. they fucking rock. pitts was like, we missed you this weekend. because this weekend was driving smile swim girls laughing hard car flirting listening to andrew and his pikish and laughing about unsung zeros and watching ace ventura with brownies curled up on the couch with them, going to the new mall and getting cute clothes, driving to the keys and saying fuck you to homecoming and eating lobster and walking on the docks with the little brother and feeling okay. sunday didn.t feel like sunday because i didn.t cry and it wasn.t depressing, and i got to hang out with him. monday i missed him and wanted to go see the actual ring so i could be scared, but he was Elsewhere and what the fuck. i was so jealous. tv, bush vs mcbride and he wasn.t interested �you gov person you� and then i asked about his yesterday and he said he didn.t do anything, and that was annoying, because then where the fuck was he. so he ended up being with her watching her stupid spanish video, and said it sounds about as much fun as book burning and bad actors [it.s a parellel to the movie they watched, el cid for her spanish class, when we was don quijote in mine] and so he said there was a smell to burning books and i said i really wouldn.t know, and he said we should have a fiesta. i feel like i.m saying i said he said a lot, but i want to get this out. i said eh i don�t know and he said no? and i said maybe a fiesta that involved watchingscarymoviesandlisteningtodylan, but that didn.t involve burning books. because really? burning books, no. and he said he.d be home alone over the weekend and i said we should do that. tell me when, you know how to reach me. and he said i know and ok, then it.s in his hands. and so i just said i.d rather skip school tomorrow, but then there.s fact that i really love my classes, and that i like my friends, and that things are finally falling into place. maybe falling isn.t the right word, or maybe it is, because falling is like this. life.s what you make it, so i.m making it good. i thought of you when i told her that.s how my life was. she said she was glad things were just gravy for me. again, strange looks at this computer screen. because it.s not all gravy. also, i.m terribly excited by the whole college search, and i.m being quite reasonable and realistic and not being irrational and letting it kill me, because no. no. no. i have time and i.m doing everything i can, which is obviously reassuring because once it.s out of my hands, it.s out of my hands. also, i might be quite possibly the only girl who prints out and fills out college applications for fun. and i.m looking forward to the essays and everything. seriously. i.m sure in a year i.ll think i was crazy, but that.s ok. this is one of those times where i feel pretty good about everything and so i want to write it down fast before the feeling fades.

dear you who read this entire thing, i love you. sometimes when i think who am i to say this, i think about when he said no one has any more right that you to breathe this air. with that i implore you to do the thing you.ve been putting off, the thing or thought or person or change that.s been in the front back side of your mind. tell them. do what needs to be done. make it happen, take the first step. would you tell me about it? about your experiences. it.s the hardest one, that first step, and the last step away is hard too. maybe it.s me and my curiousity, because i always want to explore unknown paths. you used to be my new horizon. now, there.s been time and space and everything, and can.t we just ride off into the sunset?

-------------------------------------
archive. profile. notes. random.