fury

11.19.02back& forth
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i. that night. that night. that night i took you chicken soup because i love you. i.m not in love with you, i just love you. i.m ready to be best friends with you now. i admit i still sort of want to kiss you, but it.s.......not the same. the way your eyes looked at me. the whole room just disappeared. i wish you.d call me and ask me to do things. it.s just. i guess i.m new at this, because i want it all the time. i laugh at myself and think. oh. he did call me last weekend to go see our movie. and he.s been sick all week, and busy with the play. but i swear. you.re so cute, all sniffly and god. maybe i.m not pretty enough for you. i.m scared of that. because i want to kiss you before you go to college. i want to be kissed by you. but i know you don.t feel the same way about that, because you told me so. you.re so nice, boy. it makes me love you and hate you. because i don.t know if you.re being real or nice. and thinking about this just makes me eat more, which i shouldn.t, because it.s late at night. ii. i want to wrap these words in oblique memories and vague references to what was is will be you and i. i want to pretend this is all beautiful, say things like i wish on that night when the stream rose from the pavement in the rain, when it was night and dark and the only thing i could think of when i was driving was your face and the rain and how the lights everywhere looked like stars (because it did and it was). that when i ran out in my pajamas in the rain to take soup to your door, and i hadn.t eaten in days and you could see my hipbones, you should have been getting out of your car, right then, and you should have kissed me. but i.m tired of pretending. i just want to be able to cry into my books again, after having written well laced essays and maintained my entire life. i want to cry into my books quietly. with you watching. with you knowing. with you. you should. you do. and that.s what kills everytime. iii. now when things are happening i think how i will feel about it when i get home and sit here, alone. i want someone to hang out at my house with me, and as i write 'all the time', i realize what i.m asking. "we accept the love we think we deserve." this isn.t going to sound good, but after so long. i think. that i deserve love. and so do you. and the thing is, i really really love you. stupid you. stupid me. who am i kidding. i.m not over you. iv. empty is what we.re calling it tonight


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