just day to day things that make it ok

12.23.02back& forth
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today i spent a lot of money and it felt great, because none of it was for me and i wrapped presents and i am so excited for christmas! things didn't hurt too much and i was pretty brave and asked for a raincheck and told thisboy that he should stop being busy so we could waste time. because he should and we should and it was so wonderful how i could just picture him and the words he said were really his just like awww, come over. even though of course at the time i came up with a million reasons why it was so mean, because i like destroying my dreams, really. sigh. made me want to kick myself in the mouth except somehow, that wouldn't make anything feel any better, for several reasons. sigh sigh, so how unfair of me, really. he's never busy until i'm bored out of my mind, which i never am. lots of never ever and my friends came over and visited and got me christmas presents and it was nice.

things are good and feeling happy feels really fucking good. you should try it.

and then write about it so i can revel in your happiness, cause that's the best too. vicariously, if you will.

this entry made no sense but it's okay. i don't care about being naive anymore. i want everyone's day to be wonderful... really wonderful. because they wanted it that way too and then made it for themselves.

i should listen to myself sometimes and make my days happier.

also, it.s really hard to be nice to someone who is so humble and subservient and loving. knowing someone loves me so much makes me want to rip my eyes out.

and that thought makes me wonder.


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