this is how it.s been

01.13.03back& forth
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you laugh at me and say ...hah! and you don.t believe in fate... with fear in your voice i think, waiting for some crushing words, but i let it slide into a moment where i was shivering bright pink tshirt walking across the water paved with skid marks and tide pools, and you.re sitting in our place stretched out waiting waiting. this look on your face and suddenly i.m stopping laughing walking walking because you.re waiting but just laughing and you.re looking up at me with this face. priceless. and it.s our 'hey's' and all sorts of how was your day and tell me the news with you and those funny things we say to try and get past what.s inside (let.s footnote this kids, this is just me that.s got insides) and it.s silence until 'what.s the scariest dream you.ve ever had' and it.s nice because i don.t talk sometimes because you don.t ask questions so i.ll try to remember that with you too. and then you.re looking at me and telling me all about this dream and saying my name. explaining because as you.re telling me this (you say) it doesn.t really capture the scariest feeling of knowing he is there and he was going to get me. parking garages (oh oh... and like that beautiful sunshine day ,,, until it dripped into afternoon and everything we built melted)

so it.s another time and place and goodnight goodnight i say, and pshaw pshaw you say, and g'night you say too. and i tell you, it.s night + sleep well// xo's + suchness, its sleep time + no scary dreams// so that.s hope for you. but all you can say is hmmm and tell me about a photograph.

i really hate you sometimes.

but then there.s those points where you.re calling at the end of yr long day to talk about the quran and how my day was, & you.re saying hey and hi and yo (we.re dorks, mhmm) first, where you.re asking if i have work and if i can do something, taking me + tlb to his basketball game and laying on the bleachers for hours, laughing and wanting to hear about all my near misses and close stitches, watching me laugh because those kids are so cute, getting ice cream and then there.s the way when you take me home, you get out of the car and come in, meet my dad (and i thought you had but you hadn.t and you said hey, so i finally got to meet your dad) and watch football even though you hate it, play one mean game of mario kart and call me pumpkinhead.

i think i need to explain within all of this. that you care i think, but not too much to scare me away. without being all... emotional. you keep me guessing, but not really. because i know. how it goes. and how it is. and i.ve stopped trying to define that. besides perfect, i guess really. there.s a smile smile with that you know. do you know what i mean. i think i.ve maybe said it before but it.s that. we.re just really good friends to each other. in a sort of reach, i wish he could just tell me about her and everything, but it.s probably because i.m not asking and i.m not asking because i mostly. don.t want to know. and this is why i write this instead of trying to explain.

because i.m painting a landscape and the clouds look like clouds and the seascape fades into the skyline and the island is in place and the sand looks like waves, but don.t they always//


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