&my heart was racing, i told (the boy that ran into poles saying hi to me, the one i never write about anymore) as we laughed about how we hid under the desks and layed close during a lockdown. then he told me i was a boyface pimp and what was going on with him&i� and i let the silence simmer. so //we// linked arms and i can�t stop smiling thinking of this boy. so friendly and funny and it.s so nice being friends with him.

yesterday (the one who laughs with me in lyrics) came up and met me on the balcony. patted my head and said kaatie in this voice. asked about my game and everything, �the cult is in //full gear.� and then shrugged his shoulders up with the cutest happysmile and it was adorable. ,,,he does that whenever he sees me, or his little hikatie when we pass each other in the halls,,, and then so serious as we enjoyed each other.s company down the steps, hey, what are you doing on friday? you should really hang out with us..//

last night (the one who drives around town in my flying saucer, silence as less than agony and a million other references like so) called me and we talked for about two hours. we talked about music, and it was faster than making a cd, so he downloaded the weakerthans, the postal service, cursive, and the sea and cake (which i thought he would really like.), and mm. aren.t i such a good influence. he invited me to listen to tibetan monks with him on saturday. when it rains it pours, the air has been pouring it.s humidity upon us. we agree. this saturday there is a water polo tournament, two verygoodshouldbeamazing shows, an invitation to see tibetan monks who can sing three notes at once in a soundbooth or a secluded corner of an auditorium, .and. now a friend.s birthday something at a greek restaurant with good food, laughter, and dancing on the tables.

//i sat in a boy�s armspace today, and we talked about short stories.

//i.. a beautiful boy came and sat rightright next to me and we talked about donnie darko and sailing and mmm. i couldn.t quite get out goodbye.

//i sat in the sun doing derivatives and u�s and integrals with a boy and it was fun. he had a frantic five minutes to do his homework and he explicated while i listened and we laughed. he just said, i love you katie.

//and i said quietly, that just made my day, but i don�t think he heard.

i thought about that today. my voice. lack thereof. i�m going to be seventeen years old and i don�t have a voice. i have so many thoughts, feelings, connections (this&somethingelse, wires&waves, you&whatcouldbe), connotations ///.in the way english is like spanish literature and history reflects back on both and the aesthetic, political, intellectual, social, & economic viewpoints enmesh into so many thoughts and images in my head. i walk and think in sine curves and literary techniques and. i just can�t seem to express that. and sometimes i feel like i don.t have any of that inside me, sometimes.manytimes it doesn.t matter if i do, or don.t, because without expression. what is that. (it.s quiet afternoons laying on benches agreeing on the weather.) and my voice gets caught in my throat and people are always leaning in because they can.t hear me. it.s not that i am meek, or impassive. it.s. something else. that changes,,,,,,,�. and. i can.t place my finger on it, elusive vocal cords used to sing harmonies and laugh with such � appreciation. i don�t have someone who would appreciate that expression on hand. at all?.

i still laugh and that.s why it.s hard when we.re on this machine talking through tin cans, and my strings are just reverberating with smiles and laughter and he.s missed it all. i guess that is the real sadness, that i just. want to share it with him. i can.t think of a thing i wouldn.t want to, or couldn.t. it.s a close my eyes let the light beam shadows red moments, watching the flashes of golden fire (watersnakes, rime of the ancient mariner. it.s like this, you see.)

this is all just to say, (really) that i had an amazingwonderful weekend, a pretty nice day, and a related thought on that i think that i am just .bad. at verbal communication about outside academic environments. or maybe in them�. because i didn.t have much of a problem at all with all the new places faces dates times everything. so for today, i.ll look to the weather shifting, three degrees to ninety three. ninety new chances to take (;//run for it) and i.ll�. take this with both hands of the shelf, tiptoeing. and just let this life drop into my lap (oh you know it.s so much more) and, grinning. a present/// spilling the excesses into you.

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