lately i've been listening to "songs with memories." they take me out of college, put me back in my places i've been-- in panama on the beach singing bacilos, in claywell's bed listening to death cab, writing and reflecting to ani singing, driving with the windows down with david blasting zeppelin and jimi, dancing on the beach at night singing castles made of sand, hiking in the mountains and singing dispatch softly with brian, driving to school with the starting line & thursday. life was fucking great. life is fucking great. and sometimes i need to remember that.

flying out of the miami airport. on the place, looking out the window. millions and millions of tiny lights glittering. being surprised all over again of the beauty of my city from the air, so full of life and people. i wanted to take a picture, take twenty pictures, show you how it felt when the airplane began to curve and the ocean looked like a black hole, the city at once hovering and at once suspended it air above it, beautiful, dazzling, and a thousand other adjectives, just so absolutely majestic, the fistfuls of blinking blinking blinking lights, glittering and sparkling and shining. how a lump started in my throat and i leaned my head against the glass and just watched the plane envelop my beautiful beautiful south florida, watched the lights pass by, watched as we began to fly over the ocean, black as night.

at lunch today with my mom, i looked across the table as she was telling me a story, and thought how much i miss that. just being able to sit down and talk about absolutely everything with her, have lunch in the sunshine outside deli lane, both of us talking and laughing and sharing our thai salads and quesadilla's with each other-- and when i looked across at her, i knew i would look back on the tiny moment that was happening right then, and just miss that. the same thing happened as we were driving back home from shopping, and i went down the street to my house, stopped at the stopsign, and it just felt so amazing, so familiar, so absolutely home.

whenever i talk to my mom, i learn so much about myself. i am so similar to my dad, we both are very focused and usually very on or off, and not much in between. i see this because i am usually so happy i feel like i'm about to burst, that's pretty much my normal state :) just so excited about life and people and everything going on around me, the world, everything. then there are times when i just pull myself into this world of the past and memories and missing things, or stress and confusion, and i talk it out, i write, i go to sleep-- and then i am back to me again.

i have never before in my life missed my family & missed miami so much. when i went to europe for a month alone, when i went to panama last summer for three months... but this has been a complete change, especially the weather. i miss driving my car, i miss sunshine, i miss comida de la casa, i miss my dog, i miss waking up in the middle of the night and getting a glass of water, i miss being in the pool every single day, i miss the color of my skin & the gold in my hair, i miss dinner at the table and all of our places, i miss my little brother and his absolute hilarity and the way we can laugh so hard about something as retarded as a cheese sandwich. i called clayface when i was in my bed, just because it was so familiar, talking to him from my bed when he was in washington, wanting him to be outside my window.

it's because it's history, i said.


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