honestly, i cried tears of joy an hour before i turned it in, walking down the stairs with my best friend, being her barnacle as we walked to the car. i got in and it smelled like clean laundry, i fit perfectly in that leather seat, all the times we'd driven home like that, laughing and crying as she laughed at me crying because it was almost over, it was really about to be finished.

the kind of friend that gives more than an hour notice of her departure time, because she knows how i hate to be alone late at night at school.

and i am sitting here, after having overdosed on television, thinking about all the nice things you want to do for something. this internal metric has shifted, and now it's time for me to give again.

and i want to give, and share all of this joy and gratitude. i found myself thinking, how can i respond to this kindness? i want to be that person that on that worst day, i can bring you your favorite drink and just be there. i don't know why it seems so difficult, thinking of what to give.

how do you repay someone for walking you through the fire? i mean, she's my best friend, there's no real gift to say thanks for getting me through this. is there?

all i can think of is to just be light. to shine. to listen. to remember. to pay it so goddamn forward.

and it's so different, the way we keep going through difficult times as we keep getting older. i know i am growing up because i recognize how difficult my pain is to another person. maybe this is an instance where a normal appropriate response is something so meaningful to another person. i remember when i was a freshman in college, i got really sick, and my friend drove me to the doctor several times. i just remember being so thankful, and her laughing at me telling me it was no big deal. and it wasn't. i remember later on driving my friends to the hospital, or picking people up at the airport late at night so they didn't have to pay for a $50 cab ride. god, sometimes if you are having a shitty day and someone tells you they like your earrings or they just smile and ask how you're doing it can just turn it all around, that split second kindness.

and i probably don't give myself enough credit for all of the other times when she's been walking on a wire. it's funny. i just have this unending faith in her that she's going to take over the world.

i am trying to be thoughtful with the little things. bring my parents the new york times when i visit them. call my cousins and find out what their new babies are up to. remembering birthdays. letting people into my life, sharing what's been going on (i am less into sharing.) consume less, write more. share more. connect more. and over the digital divide it's so easy to lose touch, or so easy to stay engaged. i'm not sure which, really.

when life gets hard, work doesn't help you. your friends do. your family does.

ah, summer. it's like the start of a new year. we skipped over spring, and i've stepped back into my old self. summer, my old partner in crime. it's good. i could use some color.


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