sometime last year, i don't remember when, we became official domestic partners -- we held hands and filled out paperwork and kissed across the table, made triplicates. is this being grown up? or just playing.

five years. so: a secret for you: in january, we decided to spend forever together. to plan to be engaged, which honestly feels like being engaged, there is a ring I have already put on my finger, in a little box, after we decided to get something else. i've never been one to have my stone or ring or wedding or any of that planned out. never had a pinterest board, a plan for bridesmaid, places I wanted to get married, names picked out, any or all or any of that. i already have diamond earrings and a gorgeous right hand ring that was my great grandmother's engagement ring. how quickly he got his family diamond after we talked about it, how well he knows me, that we will pick this out together -- because I'm picky about jewelry (like, hi, do you know me but at all? he does). looking forward to a gorgeous sparkling eternity band-- those I have always loved. an engagement ring? we are planning. cause: champagne taste and time to kill.

i have been so happy. it is a rough time, these past couple weeks, personally, because of my job right now in this moment, but we endure. overall, before the last few months, i kept thinking and saying to myself -- i am happy. i feel happy. whole. i will always want to live in an atmosphere of growth, find new things and new goals and new places to visit. but at a certain point, ya gotta put down all the self help crap and just live.

and I'm so grateful to have a partner who loves the shit outta me and wants the best for me and also knows when to leave me alone and knows that I will figure shit out, that there a lot of things I can and want to do, with him, and alone. That he's one who can call and make me an appointment, who schedules massages for us, give me big hugs, nudges me in the direction of people and places I love when anxiety is too much. Listens to me when I have Things To Do (Orders to Give) that I know will make things easier -- for me, outer order is inner calm. I've gotten neater and more introverted as I've gotten older, tighter, in a way, and also, so, so much more relaxed. And he still has his own voice, his own quirks. That my Twitch viewership surpasses his own makes us both laugh. Dude is b u s y AF engineering all the things and developing all the software. I support that -- game nights at our house, entertaining, hostessing, building the perfect cheese plate, finally sitting down and watching some clueless people ask what I do and for some reason (was it my flawless dinner table? making sure everyone had drinks and refills?) shocked AF that I'm a lawyer -- what, like it's hard? ( I can talk endlessly with people before ever mentioning my education or my job. On most days, I'm proud of it, but how boring is the "what do you do" conversation starter. I much prefer to ask "what's keeping you busy / what are you enjoying lately?" because there's more to life than work)

And it's still fun to write here, when I remember, as I do now, looking up death cab for cutie tour posters from 2004 (wanting to find one and frame in our apartment that has Real Furniture), listening to old songs, feelings nostalgic, playing love songs, songs I will forever love, feeling warm and solid. The Weepies, Ani, Brandi, Death Cab for the... 8th? time. I love concert plans.

today felt like fall, we held hands and walked, i can be my best and worst and truest and most authentic self with him -- that is to say, the best kind of sunday morning, snuggling, and the grumpy having to Do Things and See People and Be a Person I can be at times. If you won't have me at my depressed/angry/old man shaking fist at the sky, you can't have me at my sparkling/loving/glowed up. And he loves it all. His therapist calls me his wife already, which made us both laugh. I keep looking at him, sometimes, hugging him, thinking forever. You ready for this, for me, for ever? I don't know that I ever thought I'd find someone I want to spend forever with. And: reading Nora Ephron, quoting someone, that you should marry someone you wouldn't mind divorcing.

We spent a weekend at a B&B, we tried on rings, we saw the art exhibit at the Renwick. it was a great break from a winter that wouldn't end and my consulting gigs that wouldn't start, and it was just too much time unaccounted. A weekend with cherry blossoms and patios and embassy row and cobblestones, planning which event to go to at the Cosmos Club. Walking everywhere. And now: I feel better, onwards.

Engaged, married, whatever: I will still buy flowers when I want them. I will write, in journals or here, or in old books of poetry I still have from when I was 16. I am still Me, that is to say, I remain...

I want to grow our riches together, watch the flowers grow, keep finding new recipes and marinades, setting the table, folding the linen napkins, going on our walks. And puppy-- for sure. I can't wait for that addition to our family.

I want this, this Togetherness, and yet, I remain, I remain unafraid to go on my own walks, to be my own person, to maintain my friendships. By default, it is easy to say we are best friends; and in a way, of course we are; but, we are more than that. My best friends, I can count them on one hand, and they've been in my life more than 10 years now. Time, where does it go sometimes.

There's so many things to think about. (what else is new)
Things that make me remember when he says -- at dinner, let's sign up for dance lessons, I think we would have fun! -- and we need to learn how to dance if we're going to get married! Me: oh, we're going to have a big first dance and all of that?

These are the little things that make me.. smile, laugh, and be merry. And it's been fun to keep this a secret, something to have and to hold, between us, between just our families, to do this in our own time, that is to say, mostly mine -- I'm in no hurry for anything but I like our kind of commitment to each other. Our time.

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