on october, good news, harbors

10.10.21back& forth

october days - we fell in love in october.

i think this time of year often has me remembering my first real fall, before i started the convention of titling these entries "on ___"; were all your stars out? were you busy writing your heart out? when they were, when i was:

03.08.05 - left and leaving
02.23.05 - all these seasons, all this time
02.19.05 - february is for lovers
12.11.04 - just imagine that i am on stage
12.10.04 - outside this library tonight
12.09.04 - it's quiet here, except for this song
11.29.04 - spinning a soft shoulder
11.16.04 - certain sundays in november
09.02.04 - the city in a dream (you dreamt the city)

present day, i shout, "do you want to play the bird game" and i hear him say "be right there" and then he appears, "ready when you are," cocooned in a cabled cashmere cardigan with big wood buttons. i have lit three candles, tahitian vanilla, mulled wine, toasted chai -- "look at us matching in our
cozy sweaters, we fell in love in october," quoting a song, hugging while harbor by vienna teng plays.
past and present tense.

a few good things to report:
i don't need total shoulder surgery after getting a second opinion (it is my personal medical policy to always get a second opinion for anything remotely involving surgery) ; the second orthopedist said absolutely no way. i have been going to PT twice a week since february for a frozen shoulder (kind of a hysterical injury in that there is no rhyme or reason science knows why anyone gets in, in the year of our lord 2021) and my mom also now has a frozen shoulder, and we laugh til we cry that she 'caught' it from me over facetime.

anyways, the other day, after i was due to get bad news from an MRI, we went to nooshi and then to the main event, one of the first things in a long time i can remember REALLY wanting to do, without hesitation, without considering XYZ policy -- saw ani and the indigo girls co-headline the best concert i might have ever been too. i sang my face off, danced my heart out, felt like myself again, felt joy after a long dull hum of summer depression, the collective trauma of living through a pandemic over and over again. the first thing that felt like a bright bright sun, at a concert venue i'd never been too, hitting all these glorious points of comfort and novelty and music all at the same time. these days we run around listening to the indigo girls - honestly , they are even better live. get out the map , watching six older women in the front row dance it the fuck out, everyone masked, dancing and singing and feeling their oats -- savoring, relishing the moment, living instead of just existing day after day after day, one foot in front of the other. it was fucking great and words fail me how to describe how alive again i truly felt. 'i remember when you starting listening to ani' my mom says. i remember calling my best friends after seeing her in north carolina,my first fall (i totally had to google how to link because it's been so long since i 'a href'-ed.) and death cab, too.

yesterday our house was clean, dishes done, laundry in progress, bee driving over to my house to go on adventures, and i felt the old hopping in my chest -oh if this isn't nice, i don't know what is.

<3 to not needing to immobilize my right shoulder for five weeks, to new expansions, to chili and soup in the new le creuset, to happiness and sparks of joy in october, crisp fall weather and being grateful for what i have, what we've built, all that we are and all that we can be.

spending the weekend at the tabard with some of my favorite people, walking all over dc, feeling like college being able to hop over to someone's room to hang out -- the good stuff.

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