on dark and bright wonderings

03.07.23back& forth

a year passes in a flash. we book trips, we make our little plans.

'do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for' -- it is true, of course, and yet.

california was an experience. the coolest part was seeing death valley, feeling like we were on the moon of another planet entirely, the salt flats in the moonlight, being with my sister in law. the vastness of joshua tree, making jokes about all the piles of rocks (there were a lot of piles of rocks). feeling like we were living in settlers of catan on a hike outside of palm springs. going to the trixie motel. going in the hot tub every night, even when it was freezing until we figured out how to properly heat it. being suspended in air, singing sweet caroline at the top of our lungs with everyone in a tram car thousands of feet above palm springs. everything feeling very california -- the mountains reminded me of times of switzerland, or colorado, capped with snow, yet cool and breezy and sunny. and i will always love a palm tree. a lot of road trip time. and i had never flown into la before and i am not too cool to say it was exciting to see the LAX letters that i have seen in one million movies and tv shows.

this is a weird time in my life, that i am making time to enjoy. the freedom. the depression.
that even though i am not working, i still have a lot of work to do. but i trust myself to handle it.
to let the door close behind me, to go outside every day, to keep on keeping on. this i know.
in that i trust completely and absolutely. so: making plans to look forward to, adding to the list of joys, being able to get great cheap plane tickets because i don't have to ask for permission for time off, adding novelty in the simple things like where we go on walks and hikes, hyperfixation on strawberries and lemon and arugula salads.

less than a week til we spring forward and get blissfully longer daylight
seeing the best golden retriever soon
booking a trip to a place i really love
buying surprise concert tickets for my dad
feeling weird about celebrating my birthday but doing it anyways

doing all of this like one of my favorite ani songs, imperfectly.
soon: flowers. new fruit (i do not want to be one of those 'fruit is nature's candyyyy!' people, but i accept my nature. i am. nothing is better than good fresh fruit. we have to remember these things for bad days when nothing can be cured, we can't go to the record store and hang out with our friends, but we can go to trader joe's for flowers and snacks, and take them to our friends house and snuggle with their dogs.

c'est la vie. i still can't believe it is march 2023.

reading - i want to say 'nothing' but it's not true - a lot of poetry, via instagram and tiktok. some deep dives into mary oliver, an old familiar favorite. i have a couple books on pre-order on audible (a scam, but anything that gets me reading is worth it to a certain degree).
doing - pt rx workouts again, daily walks, letting the door close behind me. the pt rx is significant. taking it easy is usually the hardest part for me. counting my fitbit steps again, for data.
listening to - music, every day, as always. sometimes i feel odd, and realize i haven't listened to music yet, and then i do, and everything is better. my old jams. new indie. my liked songs on spotify, always. the leaked taylor swift songs from lover via tiktok.
taking - rx, medical problem solving, vitamins. being really good about all of this keeping myself alive stuff.
eating - because i have to, most of the time. in a weird funk where nothing seems appetizing (not covid). just letting it pass like all the waves do in time. bacon hamburgers with tots in panamint springs california. so many oranges. strawberries. cooking soup season for my husband - all his favorite hits.
drinking - water, cassis lambic once this year so far. i easily go without drinking for months, years at a time, until i really want a specific cocktail or drink, and then i have it. i know i am lucky about this.
sweating - walking, hiking, being in the hot tub in california then jumping in the cold pool and doing egg beaters, water polo moves treading water like lifeguard days. soon: swimming with my dad.
annoyed at - weird but brief medical issues. headaches. dealing with repairs in the apartment, mostly settled now.
excited about - finally watching ted lasso, completing all my 22 in 2022 things. working on 23 in 2023: live music, making our little plans, getting on a plane in a few weeks.
worried about (slightly) - LOIs and life admin, facts and figures, change

and also: i am happy. content. thoughtful. finally able to enjoy it, more often than not.
writing this in bits and pieces over a couple of days. accidentally deleting an entry.
such is life. most accurately (even when everything is a scam, even on days i don't want to move):

A Voice from I Don’t Know Where
by Mary Oliver

It seems you love this world very much.
“Yes,” I said. “This beautiful world.”

And you don’t mind the mind, that keeps you busy all the time with its dark and
bright wonderings?
“No, I’m quite used to it. Busy, busy, all the time.”

And you don’t mind living with those questions, I mean the hard ones, that no
one can answer?
“Actually, they’re the most interesting.”

And you have a person in your life whose hand you like to hold?
“Yes, I do.”

It must surely, then, be very happy down there in your heart.
“Yes,” I said. “It is.”


by Alice Walker

My desire
is always the same; wherever Life
deposits me:
I want to stick my toe
& soon my whole body
into the water.
I want to shake out a fat broom
& sweep dried leaves
bruised blossoms
dead insects
& dust.
I want to grow
It seems impossible that desire
can sometimes transform into devotion;
but this has happened.
And that is how I've survived:
how the hole
I carefully tended
in the garden of my heart
grew a heart
to fill it.

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