this (she wrote it) "i don't have a crush on anyone at my school, but maybe i'm just not trying hard enough. maybe if i tell myself i have a crush on someone i will, because i can do things like that. but then i will be stuck liking someone for 3 years again like last time. making yourself have a crush on someone is one thing, but then making yourself not have a crush on someone is a whole different story. it's just not realistic. it doesn't happen ever."

& that's me in a nutshell. ive been thinking that for a while, and ive convinced myself a little. but then, yesterday, all the girls were over and we were staying up late talking and of course, the topic came up. and we decided, who, if they actually asked us out, would any of us go out with. in my head, i knew one boy for sure - he is nice and quiet and sweet and of course, (he has a girlfriend) and another two unsure (because i couldnt imagine actually kissing them).

it does hurt to look at him; i didnt need any convincing to know that. it hurts for just a second and then i just smilesmile because it is him. and how can he not make me smile? its so impossible & intangible & almost incomprehensible.... but it just.. there. real. honest.

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