new microsoft word document

04.05.02back& forth
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the only thing left is a pile of clothes and flipflops
a heart
feelings and memories and thoughts
a word document in her name

i love her, i miss her. i hate seeing her cry.
i want to hug her forever, stay up late talking about everything.
she is the motivation for the book � the only real help i have
i know when it�s my turn, i will be crying too.
i see myself in her tears
its slightly unnerving
i don�t want those tears
i don�t
i really, really don�t

so

this is me being focused
this is me not procrastinating
this is me getting things done when i have a chance to breathe
this is me not letting this one thing (that i lovelovelove) get in the way of everything else
because it cant
because its wont
what scares me is while youre telling these stories, you actually believe they are real�
when i said i�ll take it � i meant as is
i wont let this happen to me

how do i stop this from happening?
i think this is the kind of mantra i need to write on my hand every day.
just one word will do it, i think
focus

& she made me walk as if i had a crown on my head.

i realized i treat my friends � real friends not just �diner friends� (from this interesting novel i�m reading) (almost) like family
with the same kind of loyaltly and love

my fucking problem is i care too much,
but not enough
that�s right. im a contradiction.
im going to go make a cd now, with lots of rockinghorsewinner & such on it.
(im reading this & thinking - take that! ..... & i never did make that cd, if that illuminates an insighful character developments or lack thereof's)
&he�s always in my thoughts.
i drove by his house today. tried,
anyways.

i kindof miss the fact that there used to be four deeds with my name on it.

at practice, i really wasn�t myself. i was kindof surprised that people knew the things they did (about me & the weekend & keys (hahahahahaha pun! double meanings all over the place).

check out that rebellion: putting the period in the wrong (RIGHT!) place

i was thoroughly giddy
jumpy and smiling and just great!


I finally found a cap without a whole or rip or half an earpiece & was so excited! & then saw it was #3. her number.
And was for a split second thinking: damn. But then.
Hey! I get to give it to her! & see her smile! She won�t be torn. (in the extreme superficial sense).
She laughed. �you�re too nice, Katie�
& That�s about the fifteenth time she�s told me that.
Along w/ that im always in a good mood & happy. (& whatthefuck is up with this word processor capitalizing everything.)

She can walk into a dark room and see a sliver of light illuminating my flipflops and know its me
Next time she says something like that, im going to say its bc of you! I just start smiling :)

Her& her & him (himness the most)
Make me smile so fucking hard
sighness

ps - imisshisvoiceandhishaircutandthewayhemakesmefeel.

xo


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