the tears fell and it was a small victory. i called the girl i used to love, we both have the same amounts of work. it was nice to talk to her, even if it was just for a minute.

last night after i wrote, i went to bed, but for three hours just kept writing in my mind until Everything was exhausted and i had written invisible letters to everyone. too tired by then to write, but to just think and let It Out. sleep was wonderful and so is the sunshine this morning; driving to get a smoothie windows down hot sunshine i feel much better in daytime, in light. night is scaring me these days, i dont like driving then or being awake then. i just get too tired and too emotional and weak, and i dont like that. it.s not a good side of myself and i don.t want to be around me like that, don.t want that to begin to define me in the daylight. does that make any sense? so, this week i resolve to go to sleep early.

i drove by your house on the way home, wondered if i should just ring the doorbell and say hello. i want to do that now. is that Okay? too weird? it makes me sad these days that i have kept this "secret" in here and not have connected to someone else through it, someone real, someone tangible who i can see everyday and who can laugh with me when i collapse at the sight of you.

dear the collective you,

thank you for your words. for reacting, for writing, for leaving a note. for talking to me, for listening. it seems that everything comes at the perfect point, the worst moment ---> the best moment. i can breathe okay and it makes me feel somewhat okay for this, for writing here, for pouring me in here.

i love you and appreciate you so much.


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