saturday - welcoming in the sun at the pooldeck, how else does saturday morning begin? afternoon stranded for the show, lack of planning but cell phone calls save the day//// drive to her house, hang out with the kids, in a fleeting moment say hi to him and he asks all sorts of questions, we.re going to dinner, come. the boy who never eats ate dinner with me, surprised all my friends because they hadn.t caught the message. thought it was the strangest coincidence, and laughed at how i called him claywellface. girls that knew him walked in and saw Us eating, nice hi waves, but staring. it was sortof nice, being seen. and then he called me when i came home, and i fell asleep to his voice. and i.m the girl that never dreams [in sleep, at least] and it was just Him. shy kisses and holding hands. hard to shake, wishing it wasn.t just a dream.

sunday - homework day// driving out for smoothies sunshine loud music the best way to spend a sunday. [but disgusting kissing noises from the cars next to me. fuck you, cause i can bore holes into the window with my eyes forever, and turn the music louder. you.re not getting a reaction from this one.] the only reason i remember is because i write things on my calendar, today had a lot crossed out because there was work to be done, but it didn.t

monday - dressed for onstage prescence, a different way to to introduce volunteering [speeches from other on campus organizations]. s'ok, blue skirts that swish are okay anyday. road rules made me sad this night. i felt this feeling in my heart, the same kind i get everytime i turn my locker combination to 27-01....and then i remember it.s not last year anymore and the numbers are suddenly even. the remembering hurts the most, because it.s not dull grief, not a relief. it.s still raw and uncut. the calendar says the face but that doesn.t help because we talk everyday. oh yes. he told me about waking life and dreams and feeling free [he flipped a lightswitch -remember- and nothing happened. and then it was freedom]. i wanted to know what feeling free was like. [I'm just not really sure if that happened because it's really a truth of dreams, or because the guy said it, and I believed it. /// Well, usually I have dreams about everday life, except something bad happens, or something a tiny bit strange happens, but not usually something that's really so different from what I would expect. /// So, when I realized that I was free, I was just able to do whatever I wanted in my dream /// It was a really really strange feeling [and what did you want to do, i ask. not really wishing for any certain reply other than what happened. nothing panned out out in my head like so many times before] /// I'd rather not say /// Bad things [so what am i supposed to say to that?] monday nights don.t afford the time and thought and energy that i want to put into this, that i do. no more. i am tired of saying hello. [ps. i took your words to heart jenny] also, cute kid came and surprised me on the stairs -- five days til friday he exclaims with a huge grin.

tuesday - something vague. the days fly by, better this way. did we talk? i can.t even remember. probably. oh yes. i remember encapsulating it. so sleepy in the morning. my english teacher told me i was 'en fuego', long chemistry test. having to disappoint him, no presence tomorrow. i decided school was more important to me, and now all those girls are just ignoring me for it. but she and she ask where i.ve been; one says she.s missed me. it was nice, because [i know] when you.re not there, they go on without you. period. i stand by my decision, because it.s the only thing i can live with, want to live with. it felt good in my muscles to stretch out, but empty stomachs cave in during long sets; food is just forgotten in the sunlight.

today - spending my free periods in the pagoda, laughing with them and playing cards. laughing so hard, that.s why i love erica and oscar and those kids. and she was telling me about her him, and chicken grill nights. mine are chicken kitchen, or the suniland strip (starbucks, tcby) and with much much blushing i told her his name. a possible mistake? that.s okay and i don.t mind comes to mind. should he just be brought up midly, like how she says i make him take me to get icecream. is that us? i don.t know/ but after so many hello.s, he says hi and hello and hey, no prompts (thanks, you.) our conversation was short and sweet. it nearly swept me off my feet. (not really, it.s bob dylan and what else do i listen to besides him and your voice.) you asked if i.d heard him. tonight you asked if i.d heard rainy day women. because it.s good, you said. i haven.t mentioned the cd you told me you were making. ////////writing. your number on the caller id. you.re gonna make me lonesome when you go - laughing about my canterbury tale because it incorporates knights and away messages and our music. afternoon stomach flipflops (butterflies in my stomach � using metaphors for what we can.t explain � modernism � you) because issues are of pressing Importance. holding olympic gold metals and babies. did you know it.s all greek, but rome is in the background? you did not. being so flattered and excited, big hugs and high fives and handshakes. seeing federalism in the trees. actually it.s four years. today involved not believe anyone who says things don.t mean anything [telling you this. incase it comes up? probably.] everything matters.

i thought i had nothing to say. my heart still aches, but the days pass by.


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