stars for stars

01.02.03back& forth
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i.ve got all sort of words to describe this (tonight i

told the wind, "i think you're quite lovely dear" sat on the back of someone's pick up truck and watched fireworks layed on my back in the middle of nowhere and looked at stars drove with the windows down and let my hair blow everywhere listened to mixtapes from the summer, that reminded me other other drives brushed my hair and left a voice message for my best friend in texas with the mirror recalled vocabulary words while everyone thought i was moping ("you're moping" "i'm not moping" "what are you thinking about then?" "vocab words. abstruse - *recondite, abstract, difficult to understand." and they thought that was brilliant and how wonderful to have a mind that worked like that, while i pulled on my lip and smiled like i was five again) washed dishes ran after an ice cream truck with my little brother (almost) drifted away in a boat, laying on my back eating gushers layed in this bed surrounded by pillows and tissues, with the heating pad and an open word pad document because everyone's asleep and everything hurts took an SAT, because that's what i do on new years, duh caught up on trash novellas (tv style), aka the real world. cried// and laughed several times. mostly because it was so ludicrous. i mean, really. walked in the rain in my hoodie and blue jeans, dolled up in silver streams thought about how the hurricane that was passing was every emotion we.ve ever felt and goddammit. sitting on the truck, watching the stars, walking in the rain, relaxing on the docks, playing pool, eating dinner...........
i wished you were here, and had to keep reminding myself how angry i really was you never told me yes or no for tonight. there.
and earlier today i almost came and wrote, he.s not coming and he.s not going to be with me at midnight and he.s not going to put his hands around my waist and kiss me like i dreamed (this gets more pathetic, just listen) or lean over while our feet are inches above the water and just sort of brush my lips with his. he.s not going to eat dinner and be quiet with us, he.s not going to hold my hand or drive down with me and watch me sing and think how crazy i am, he.s not going to see the world i have built there (here), in the picket fences and the water and the hammocks and the wind, because he.s not going to be here, so i.d better get it out of my head now.

but i didn.t, and i didn.t, and i still haven.t.
and it.s eleven oclock, a little past maybe. and my family is all sleeping and my friends are busy with their families who can actually stay awake or are busy kissing each other.
i like the rain. it is better than you. i like the wind. it is better than you. i do not like these thoughts, and these feelings. they are still better than you, because at least they are a RESPONSE, meaning, they react, and respond, and mean .something. and this could be any other night, it is any other night really, and it matters just as much. it matters just the same. and i.m still angry, and a little... hurt, i think. but i still miss you, and i don.t know how to fix that. )

but nothing really does justice

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i would think it absolutely lovely! if you all got livejournals & joined me [it.s mostly locked entries, for friends like you] & some kids i like (you might know them as garcon, vitality, screamingout, and for a few safety reasons i.ll leave you unnamed) over there. it involves less busy work and i miss all your words.

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ANI DIFRANCO IS COMING TO MIAMI!!! insert lots of "*^#@E*&HDhdudgfsudyfu!!~!" right here. i am so excited. now to plot who to take with me.

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i.ve been living with the wind and the water, sometimes the rain. and i really don.t mind. i never minded.


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