i flew all over the world and whoever was lucky enough to sit next to me got to be my best friend for the flight. i remember flying to california (or colorado?) and i sat next to a girl and we listened to her headphones, and i can still hum you that song. when i flew to london i talked to the woman next to me (diana) for three hours, maybe more, and left with two business cards. to italy, we sat in the aisles, dealt out our stories in decks of cards and into magazines we flipped past on the way to letters and conversations to this day. from ecuador and france, we fell into conversation easily before a decadent sleep, to jamaica: even then, the couple next to me told me all about their travel plans and past journeys, they shared their blankets with me and told me all about their daughters (who swam too) and were so excited to hear about our trip.

in middle school i talked to whoever. passed notes with whoever. invited whoever to come over to my house. the teachers loved me and the people in the office knew me by name, they always let me use the other phone when the line was really long. the nurse took care of me and let me sleep in the quiet room when the migraines i created in my ridiculous ambition for perfection got too much for the world (well, that was only twice). but we always said hello.

i somehow knew everyone, and everyone knew me. conversed with whoever was sitting at a table with me, or next to me by the computer. sang my heart out and learned all sorts of things about people. in middle school!! buckled myself into their cars and flew ninety miles per hour with seniors to get sandwiches.

for all the tears i cried and all the bad things that ever happened to me, i always knew i gave it my .all. and that meant something. because when its between slitting your wrists or taking enough medicine to leave you asleep forever, the answer was always no. besides reckless abandon for my feelings coupled with innocence and an intellectual maturity much greater in goddam comparison to the assholes (and they knew it too, no secrets there) i used to go to school with, there was hope. and curiousity to see how i could turn this mess into a work of art.

and i.m sitting here thinking.

what happened to me?

but really, i rethink these thoughts (see. this is just what i mean.)

because seriously, i still talk to kids in my classes, and i could kiss just about anyone i.ve ever had more than a ten minute conversation with in the past (which is just about everyone, whether we were studying or talking about stresses, it happened) and give them a hug, find out about their new years, listen to their stories with a smile and an attentive ear. tell them about how my family fell asleep at 10:30! and laugh about it too. and anyone who has ever set foot in waterpolo practice is a friend by default, so that.s easyeasy.

but i still need to get on a plane, soon. i miss the stale air and the confined spaces, for just a couple hours anyways, that take me somewhere worth it. destinations i.d like to see: panama. jamaica.

please don.t worry though. i.ve been living with the wind, and i.ve got a very good best friend who will stop when she sees my car parked somewhere she knows i will be, the beginning of adventures, sitting and eating melted ice cream with my little brother. in summation (that awful phrase) i.ve procrastinated essays like no other, but everything else has really been quite wonderful.

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