that night. black and white. my swan song.

03.22.03back& forth
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the shadows laced through my fingers
when i drove home today and
thesummer hid in the crescent moon
in my elbow, under my fingertips


he invited me to the opera
and we whispered elbow to elbow
dante and spanish literature references
and his nose would touch my face
and his hair would get in mine as
we smiled about the man with the book.
i put my head on his shoulder and he
put his on mine
and we laid there, in the middle of this opera (marriage of figaro)
resting. perfect.

a kiss and a slap on the roof.
because we listened to npr, talking over the broken radio. "guess which movies i got"
and the nod that means he downloaded delicatessen and city of lost children,
to watch with me.
because he knows how i felt about amelie
and he knows that smile. of mine..

and here i am crying.
or wishing i could.
cold. screens. warm. skin.
because i miss him.
that him.
because yesterday it was me
falling asleep
with a smile on my face
cause i.d see him today.
and i saw him today
and everything was.
regression.

the same sleepy smiles,
sitting on benches under the trees.
easy.
tired.

yesterday i slammed on my brakes
held composure
he gave me three hugs
//they might be a little squished//
and said my cookies were perfect

i remember things, you know.
like birthdays. and little things.
and people who matter.

and i stood there, red shirt, shaking my wet hair
which he ate,... we laughed, as he gave me another
hug. in the minute, moment, i. was playing every lyric.
living them.
and i couldn.t hold on so long, you know.
and he just kept shaking his head
because
oh. something. let.s forget it. let's pretend, some other day?
so let's never talk about this again, ok? ok.

(it.s just. holding on so long, the warmest hugs and the warmest boy who smells like laundry and just //this part makes me giggle// he envelopes me. envelope (not envelop, silly. i know the difference.) and it really was just the nicest thing. made my blood run. and my face smile.)

it.s when he sees me turn to the door/ "you have to leave already?"





i.ve got magic. in remembering these things.
(traffic light, turning yellow.)


but it.s just/. we. really should, be green with envy. with ourselves.


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