my hair is longer, my eyes are more open, i'm thinner, i'm happier.

i've been living fierce and beautiful. driven to not stop and write because there is life outside, life more tangible but (maybe) less expressive. there is bridge and stress and summer and friends, proms and parties and rainy afternoons. there is driving down sidestreets with the wind calling my name, there are these boys that like being my best friends, there are memories and concerts and so many inside jokes we laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

things have changed. !! and there is so much beauty in that sentence. i'm different with my parents, sometimes angrier, my mom is getting older. my dad is home more often, and i like it, because i feel like i never knew him. i read in the paper journal i've been keeping for over eight years that i loved him and i missed him while he was gone. my little brother is growing up, and it's terrible and scary and truly i don't like it. my little one is growing up. we're much better friends though, he likes to talk to me about things when he has questions and loves my friends because they care about him too; and we still get sour straws and dance around the living room.

i want to tell you everything, and still hold everything that hurts back, everything to be used as a weapon against me. it's strange though, because things have been nothing like those words connotate, anything even near it. surprises and sunshine are closer to it than 'everything that hurts.' ♥.

this year was the best year of my life. these past few months have been amazing and so, so much has happened. processing it is just a constant good feeling, remembering. it's fun making lists of all the wonderful things, and it's difficult to think of anything bad, honestly. i have to tell you something, for now. it.. oh. i just keep trying to come up with this sentence. of how grateful i am. to you. reading this. for writing and reading and everything else that comes along with sharing words, throwing them to the sky and seeing what rains back down.

the changing weather has been good to me. there are sunny days where we drive with the windows down, lay on the trampoline and have iced tea fights, swim in the pool when no one else is home. there are rainy days where we run in the rain, go get lunch and lose ourselves under warm covers and interesting movie screens. i've made each day out of hope, the sun lighting up the silvery outlines of the clouds. when it's pouring and we're driving and laughing cause ohman. life just rules.

i've been feeling so much within me,and seeing so much more outside my frame. i've been reading (we pass around the palahniuk, the vonnegut). i've been writing a lot here (so if you're there too and i don't already know, let me know), a lot friends only because i feel eyes sometimes, and just like that i can keep things relatively to myself (&the you's of this world. <3.) i also feel like i am using to many 'i's here, but it's the truth:

i've been living fierce, living beautiful, living.

and in the same vein, i have to say i'm absolutely terrified (well. not so much i suppose) it will all go away . but i know, i know it won't. because i've grown into this life and these summer days. which i am so excited for, which i still can't believe. (the sun and your prescence confirm me.) and my heart. still beats with all these words.


-------------------------------------
archive. profile. notes. random.