it's funny. tonight i read a lot of .your. words about each of your own 'boyfaces.' someone got to my page searching for that and i rounded out the circle and was able to glimpse into your lives and see the way you've felt about certain boys, the words you've written, the expression of the tears you've cried, those intense feelings of love or satisfaction or pain.

and it's all just too beautiful. i wonder where these boys are, who they are, what makes them think. what kind of people we are to let them have such effects on us. and these feelings, these effects. how they mold and shape us, make us breathe and think and wonder, questioning our lives and our existances, cementing our dreams and desires into tangible moments and intangible thoughts.

for me, things have changed so much. i read back over the words i have written and it makes me hungry for those feelings again. i feel like what i've said could be said a thousand times over, and i only hope it can be, will be. but i don't. i don't feel that love in my bones. i don't feel that flutter, that words.caught.in.my.throat feeling. i think sometimes i will go back to those moments, maybe you will listen and you'll hear faint whispers of past experiences. i'll still think of him in moments but we are different people. we are a different 'us', it's a different kind of together laughter that fills the room, laying in blankets that once held my deepest sighs, sheets that feel like words unsaid, lights that beam old regrets.

so. this boy i've been talking about for years and years. he's gone because when i see him, when i kiss him it's on the cheek, when his fingers run through my hair... this boy, he's good stuff. all these things i've been telling you, they've been said. words unsaid flung to the open air. what was the hardest thing you've ever had to tell me, he asked. oh, i don't know. everything last year was hard, hard cause i'd never said that to someone before.

things aren't hard anymore. it's as easy as pie to pick up the phone and say hello. yesterday he called from a hotel. today he stood in the middle of the forest for reception to say hi. it's this easy. we're used to each others voices, that easy laughter, good&bad things at the end of the day.

a lot happened. donnie darko and amelie feel like months ago. loveloveloving him feels like ages ago, even though things changed just this summer. god, it's been less than a month since summer. everything seems so far away. i'd always said i wanted to kiss him before he went to college. well. he beat me to it, cupped my face in his hands and circled around it with his fingers, the whole myheartfeelslikeitwilljustshatter and idontknowwhattoevensay, the whole deal. things passed and time passed.

so he's gone and i don't feel anything right now. i feel like it will be ok because even though he's been four minutes away for the past four years, we would sometimes talk for six hours in our own houses on our own beds even though we were so close. that's how we can be, we're used to phone lines and latenightsleepypillowvoices.

there are so many things i am looking forward to. sewing bags and clothes, sending postcards and packages to everyone i know. capturing myself in a photgraph, as best i can in leaves and letters, handing my seventeen year old girl mind, culture and heart into someone's hands and see if it takes me to a new city, new faces, new places. steps i'll be taking, so many wonderful people i want to meet. it makes all this stress, these lamps lit late night, all worth it. building a new vantage point, a new climax, a new metaphor. to art musuems in the middle of march. to driving down empty streets with the music loud in my ears. to nights on the ocean. to shared space with secret snowflakes.

and as i reflect back on this relationship, this boyface, this him&i, these overflowing words, this love. tonight the layered sunset left me wondering where his voice was, thinking this would be about the time the phone would ring and we'd float to the parking lot behind the all night ice cream place and there we'd be. this is not the end. this, more than anything else about these sunlit days leave me open: there is more to come, there is more than this. and it is here, it is just around the corner, it is a few messy deadlines and duedates away. and this life in the meantime. lives on with all the breadth and fury of a hurricane cradling life under a crescent moon:

just sail belly up to the clouds, the rocks scraping your back.

to breathe in the air will be the only thing that you have

and your love will be warm nights with pockets of moonlight

spotlighting you as you drift .


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