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12.10.03back& forth
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i had a dream where i was on the earth trying to reach a satellite in the sky, which was my home. it was night and all the stars were out. i was in the grass trying to get up to the stars. the way to fly was to hold a paper close to my chest and it would pull me upwards, but for a while i hand my hands over my head trying to go up. until someone showed me to pull it close. and i'd lift off a few feet and not be able to go any farther. it was frustrating and nightime and i was cold. but then i held it closecloseclose and flew up and stood in the middle of the sky, holding paper and cds and kicked my feet and pulled it all underneath me and then i could fly forwards. i shot straight up through the stars in the cold night air.

i just told claywell about the dream. last night he called me and we talked for two hours and it was really pretty nice. at one point i just made him laugh so so much and it felt good - know what i mean? good to hear him laughing, nice to know it was that together-laughter. i was dying of laughter the whole time. it was good to talk.

the past couple days i've just been in wonderland. dancing in the middle of my class, connecting with their hips, hands on my shoulders, heads on each others shoulders. the physical contact of skin upon skin. today it rained. it hasn't rained here in a long time. it felt like two summers ago, in the one passing moment when i looked outside the the rain was falling over the canvas umbrella like a waterfall. remembered running in the rain. the grass saturated with water, how we'd slip and slide in all this mud and grass and water.

i stayed home from school today. i took a bath for an hour and felt like sylvia plath, or someone in a jd salinger novel. watching the ceiling. seeping. then i turned into light and warmth and slept for five hours.

within two minutes my feelings range from exploding with love to wanting to sleep for fifty hours to wanting to kiss him like no other to wanting to turn the clock towards summer to the greatest pain my stomach has ever felt to excitement to wanting to never wake up to not being able to wait for monday. i keep thinking about late nights feeling warm, talking to that boy and miss heartshaped, those conversations that just go back and forth all our tiny rivers blend into this great expanse of ocean, that blue that stretches out forever.

listening to i'll see you soon for the first time in months. i had it on a cd when i was visiting my cousins in pa and i'd go college visiting by myself on the train everywhere and it was the best, watching the walls in the train station, the cold air, the sunlight pouring down. sam is coming home tomorrow. tonight he made me a cd. i told him i was taking a holiday in spain. i can't wait to hang out with him. it's been just too long. david got into cornell today. the other night he came and picked me up and we drove with the windows down and he kept saying my name. i love that, when people say my name when they're talking to me.

tell me your good things. ♥.


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