everything is too much at once! tonight i danced under the stands and we played dispatch and sang our hearts out and my closest friends are girls that i sit outside on benches with and smoke, girls that i go to club with and dance and dance, girls that lay out on the quad with me and soak up the sunshine, girls that plan trips to italy and miami and everything upcoming. my friends are boys that like the outdoors, boys that like planning trips to costa rica, boys that like hiking up mountains and kayaking the oceans, boys that have their lives in order, boys that like to drive around listening to music with me, boys that call me and pick me up and take me out to dinner, boys that tell me i'm cool as shit and kiss me goodnight, boys that ask me for hugs and tell me how mean i am because i don't give them everything they ask for, boys that laugh so hard and tell me they love me, tell me that i make them happy.

i'm not that happy. i'm realizing how much i want to get my life in order. i want to have my resume set whether i want to go into business or law school. that starts now. one month til summer time!

oh but here, in this moment, in these moments of these past months and this year at college, it has been happiness. we're just moments...

we are slaphappy with spring fever, driving around with the windows down singing our favorite songs, lying on couches doing nothing, sitting in a cafe with chai's and so many stories and plans.

and i am dancing around the room, sleeping deep and well, telling stories, trying to figure out how all these moments pass, i am staying up all night, i am staying up all day, i am sleeping in, i am never sleeping., i am falling asleep in a second, i am laying in bed thinking, i am exhausted and collapsing.

singing my songs, developing photos in the darkroom, watching the paper turn from white to full of faces i miss, my mother in her huge moviestar sunglasses on our beach, beautiful and looking away from the camera, my brother laying sprawled out on the sand, my father driving the boat, tough lines, the ocean flying by behind us, a bride by herself on the beach looking up a palm tree, kids on swings and laughing, little ones splashing around in the ocean, a girl drawing herself in the sand.

i am all of it once. i am sitting here at eight thirty a.m, writing a short story about my best friend in washington state who calls me everyday to say, hi. to say, come visit me. to say, when are you coming to visit me. to say, thursday?

he is love.

i am sitting here at eight thirty a.m., listening to music, music that will remind me of this semester and these nights and these days playing them and living in their lyrics and swimming through all their beautiful disasters, and no no no i don't write like that anymore, i lay it out crisp, narrative. tell you my stories. tell me my stories. tell me your stories. just letting the words flow from my fingertips, its nice. last night i was sitting in this same chair watching movies about asia and buddha and laughing so much with adam, we were taking notes and he is great, we are both happy little kids, both fucked up people with so many stories about our big loves, about our friends that mean the world to us, about places we are going, places we haven't been, stories of parties and sitting on docks and too many shots, and then we dance at night together, we sit on couches drinking and it's so comfortable.

i wear big sunglasses at nights and white skirts and lacoste polo shirts and a pretty diamond necklace in the shape of an anchor for my sororiy, i wear tiffany pearls and silver and my jeans rolled up with , my hair is straight and i wear black lowcut shirts and gold skirts and ballet flats covered in indian jewels, my friends dangle gold in my ears and give me silver clutches and we go out to clubs and dancedancedance and we sit in rooms and take pictures, oh we take so many pictures with our arms around each other and our fingers touching noses, we take 'in love' pictures, looking into each others eyes, noses buried in shoulders and faces, looking up at each other, we take 'bridesmaids' pictures, looking at each other laughing, arms around each other.

the other day we all got big pieces of paper and listened to music and asked questions and wrote all our answers, then we looked at everyones and wrote on them.

who are you, i am katarina, i wrote 'i am rough draft' then i crossed it out, then i wrote over it 'i wrote i am rough draft and then crossed it out'. after, sam came up to me and gave me a hug, told me he thought that was great. i am sunshine, i am palm tree waving over the ocean, filled with words of all the things i love: happiness and laughing and friends and family and learning and the ocean. i wrote, me encanta el sol de panama. someone underlined that and put a smiling face there. what are you passionate about, i am passionate about learning and traveling and writing and learning. what would you fight for, i would fight for humans rights, i would fight for time to give back. it was all a huge picture of the panamanian flag and a big sunshine and the ocean waves and i wrote, summertime and the livin's easy, summer, i drew hearts. it was so happy, and i wanted to have written more, but i just drew the ocean and the sunshine and it was so perfectly me.

i drew in hearts. at the top of mine a boy i call j motherfuckin s, because everytime he'd see me he'd call me by my whole name, so i'd call him by his. he wrote 'so katie. love ya. j motherfuckin s.' i don't see him that often anymore, but i liked it. it made me smile.

i like seeing you around these parts. there is so much of me still in these words, but there is so much of me that is so different from these words here one, two, three, almost four years ago. time is definitely still a crazy concept for me, especially with these days that overlap, staying up for almost three at once, the sunshine comiing in through the windows, the dust particles floating in the air, the sunlight from the window.


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