after two months of sobreity, this weekend i was the most fucked up i've been in a long, long time. and it was wonderful. smoked with some of my favorite people in the world, sitting on the benches breathing in deep, in a car leaning back against the seats, drank my good wonderful drinks, shots and chasers in a room downstairs talking about everything that makes us laugh, sitting on couches wearing big sunglasses, walking outside with the cold air and stars spinning everywhere.

there was a boy who took off my clothes and was beautiful and kissed and kissed and kissed me. he made me laugh, and made me feel so wanted. i liked him enough that my stomach would turn into knots and he'd play bob dylan and stay up til 8am talking and he'd kiss me in the morning when we'd wake up. it was comfortable and exciting and i liked it, i liked him. he made me laugh. and then he held my hands and said, this isn't fair to you, he said, i need to think about this. he said, i'm just getting out of a one year relationship. he said, i don't know what i want. he said, i need to figure it out. i said, it sounds like you do. he said, we'll talk.

one week passed, i went home for spring break, he sent a few howdy's my way but then nothing. now i pass him on the quad, i'm walking arm in arm with my best friendthatisaboy, he sees me at a big table laughing with all my friends, i see him walking with his sister, eating dinner with our mutual friends. we don't say hi, we don't say a word, we barely look at each other, and his hands used to be under my clothes.

last night one of my best friends came home with me. i've slept in a bed with him before but nothing had happened, and then last night we were spooning and it was so warm. our faces were closer and closer together and the air was warm. he kissed me and kept kissing me. he tickled me and we'd laugh and that made me happy because he is my friend, he was my friend, and he will be my friend. but just... i didn't feel a thing.

it took this to make me realize how much i liked the first.

i like having a him curled around me. a him. specifically. i like hands on my back. i like a lot.

in other news. the first boy that ever kissed me, my darling bestfriendinthewholewideworld, wants me to visit him in washington. i think i just might. everytime he calls he says when are you coming. he said, we'll go to shows, we'll go to dinner. he says we'll go to the ocean, and that's a direct line to my heart. the ocean, cold, grey, windy, beautiful on the west coast.

today i spent a couple hours with my friend liz just going over what the fuck happened this weekend. slept so little, smoked so much, drank enough, went on tons of adventures, to basketball players apartments, to buy smirnoffs, rolling a joint on the bench, smoking a bowl in the car, the next night being initiated, the step show, cold night, shots with adam and angela, party at beta, smoking with slava, the hamster, so many pictures.

the end.


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