i used to think fall was beautiful. i used to think of sweater weather and apple cider and leaves falling. it was a dream. i remember a time when i loved the feeling of sitting in this very place, everything getting cold, everything feeling more real, more electric, compared to the swaying summer heat. it was cold and crisp and the air danced/

but now i've been through winter. and i'm scared for when it starts getting cold again. when i'll wrap handmade scarves around my neck, tuck them into my peacoat. i'm scared for when the air hits my lungs and it hurts to walk. i'm scared of no sunlight, i'm scared of sleeping all day, i'm scared of all that cold. i don't want to go there.

because i am a sunshine girl. i like to swim and sink and play in the ocean and live on the ocean and summer are my glory days and miami is a paradise and panama is paradise and the keys are a paradise and paradise is like summer, sometimes summer isn't always a season, and soon i hope i'll be telling you about a new summer.

i remember writing a while ago, a year or two ago, -- that i know things are coming for me. that i am finding beauty in summer days in october, or july, july-- which never seemed so strange, and bob dylan lyrics. but to the point, i know things are coming for me, but right now i can't close my eyes to let tiny birds land on my shoulder. or angeldust on eyelids.

i'm smiling now. i'm listening to songs that i love. it's summer and i miss you and sometimes when i come in from the ocean, with the salt in my mouth and the sun in my hair and water dripping from my fingertips, i sing 'i miss you, i guess that i should. three thousand five hundred miles, but what would you change if you could.'

you call every night and you say loveyou and.

i can tell you anything and you just know me. you know my best and you know my worst, you've seen me strong and sure and you've seen me sixteen and small. and i love you for loving me in all of that.

but i'm careful still. i don't think too much about it, i don't take you too seriously. you want to know about those boys that like to kiss me, and you act jealous. i tell you that you should ask that girl you've been eying out on a date. and i mean it. you should. three thousand five hundred miles. i can see us being friends in ten years.

it's life, so let's live it.

and it's good. good to be back home. how i missed this time zone. strangers are exciting, their mystery never ends, but there's nothing like looking at your own history in the faces of your friends.



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