desert sunrise
03.25.08back&
forth
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1. in my room at home. i am here because i don't feel comfortable in my apartment anymore, her sick cackling laughter, people always there, piled into the futon at all hours, never a quiet moment. i am sick of bad attitudes, ugly personalities, passive-aggressive rudeness. i literally googled "you are an ugly person" because that's what i was feeling. i am angry and upset and irritated and livid and trying to make decisions. will i move completely back home? i have an opportunity to just leave a bad situation. there is nothing left for me there, nothing i need that i don't have here at home. people who think they are above others, belittle others, don't respect others - i don't want or need to be surrounded by that kind of negativity.2. and trying to think of angry lyrics doesn't make it any better. so i packed up most of my things, drove ten minutes to my parents house, and here i am, in my king size bed listening to lyrics. it's been three days. the other night some of my family from panama was here, easter dinner with fine china and stories from old times. i was laughing, and today coming out of the library i just felt everything, every decision and emotion piled on my chest and i started crying on the phone while my parents were trying to talk to me about checkbooks and egypt and emails. exacerbated by the fact that i miss my friends who are boys, who are so real.
3. well well well. i have a lot to say today. i had lunch today with an old friend who transferred to maine, she seemed the same and i just felt so different. in the time that she'd been gone, i started at the wellness center, took the LSAT, started senior year, moved to the apt, applied to law school, got into law school, and am about to graduate. she.. met some new people and picked a major. it was just so weird, how quickly things change. it made me think about going back to visit my loves in north carolina. they want me, and i want to, i just don't know when.
4. yesterday i woke up and went to my dad's old desk in the hallway, looked through drawers of pictures. tears streaming down my cheeks. he looked so devilish and charming, arm around my mom, laughing and beautiful. there is something to be said about history. i am happy they won their lawsuit and i am happy for their love, and i am happy i can talk to them about so much and how they want such good things for me, support me in every endeavor.
5. i've been waiting all this life, and i know i am young but i don't want to be alone, if you could only just consider the two of us, darling, i know i could be so good to you. this is how i feel about myself. here i am, on the advent of new horizons. new cities, apartment buildings, walking, the cold on my cheeks. i see myself away from here. i see myself gone. and i tell everyone, you are you wherever you go. whatever school you graduate from and whatever your job is - you are still you, that you alone at night driving in the rain listening to the windshield wipers and your favorite songs.
to your favorite songs.
to your favorite songs.
(you used to be my favorite song.)
(like a radio running down.)
(like a latenight kiss.)
(like a sunrise.)
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