i have so many thoughts whirling around in my head right now. i'm in new orleans! and plane tickets to d.c. next weekend. and figuring out our spain plans - barcelona, madrid, when, how long, and then EGYPT.

panic attacks leave me shaky, curled up in a hotel room watching 8mile on tv, walking outside for a drink and happy it's raining so i feel less unlike myself for being in a new city and not being obsessed with going out and seeing everything. taking it slow, my mind is heavy and full of future plans and current decisions.

i love the row houses here, palm trees that feel familiar, sprawling oaks and green grass and college campus that remind me of duke, the stonework, the trees, the pathways, people sitting on library steps, but instead of red brick it's grey. flashbacks to former lives, lightyears away. it's amazing what time and distance can do to you, to your memory, to your sense of being.

yet in some ways i am so here, so present. the foundation laid. plans made. places to be.

i always wanted choices - choices and freedom. now i have it. lots of it. and it's just a deciding process that after a long day in windowless rooms, takes it s toll on me in the usual way - panic. c'est la vie, baby, and i can hear his voice - "you will be you anywhere you go. and that matters more than any school or any city that's lucky enough to have you."

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