photos. thousands and thousands, and they all remind me of times i'll never see again. am i really 22? i feel 23. i feel so much older and so much younger. i'm not 18 anymore? really?

music. more thousands. i used to have over ten thousand songs on my old laptop before the great crash of 2005/6/7. i've had my new macbook less than a month and i've got three thousand songs, and i actually listen to it all. in meeting a lot of new people, and talking to old friends, i realize i have this musical/memory relationship. songs transport me to the moment in time i fell in love, to late nights, to walking in the rain, to sitting by an open window with a breeze. i have playlists for people, places, times, moods. i have so many playlists and i am always creating new ones. monthly songs that are always on repeat. when i got the macbook and took everything off my old computer, the one thing that didn't make it was all my old playlists. when i realized, it was like being punched in the stomach. so i've been making new ones to replace old ones, and consolidating. this is a lot of writing for playlists, but i love music and listening to music has been such a thread through my life. i love new music, because it keeps me present, knowing that years from now i'll hear it and remember this apartment, and these nerves, and everything that comes with a new beginning in a new city.

documents. almost everything i've ever written, all backed up on my external hard drive. i've kept a lot of things just by emailing them to myself, and i'm not quite sure how i'd live without gmail. this past week, i have been having all sorts of martin segal memories, missing him and his armani suits and blue nikes, and spot on legal analysis. just his turns of phrase. in my contracts class, we were talking about gifts and there were so many words on the tip of my tongue, i was grasping for my old notes, organized and stapled for each quiz. taking quizzes in his class mattered more to me than probably most assignments in college- i would sit there almost humming with excitement to be able to apply all the rules of law to all his crazy examples. it was thrilling and i loved him and his class and his way of being and everything about him. i was talking to e about this the other day-- having lived with me as well as being one of my best friends on the face of earth, she understands. i was laughing with her about how i needed to channel him: "may the power of martin segal and his blue nikes be with you." today we were talking and she was at work and we were mutually jealous - i was at home hanging out and paying for all sorts of things, wishing i could get a job (first year law students are prohibited from working) and she was at work wishing she could just chill at the house. my other law mentor, the notorious jsg, had just sent me my last check and i was wishing for more of them. she said, did you put it on your fridge? um, of course i did.... along with the recommendation letter he wrote me. with all the craziness and nerves, i see it on the fridge and it brings me comfort. i mean, when you're having a bad day, there's nothing like reading from your legal idol, "i am absolutely certain katie will succeed in each and every endeavor or academic pursuit she chooses. i can think of no one that i would be more proud to see join our profession." and, he is hilarious.

people i love a lot right now;

e, for understanding me so much
l, just because i miss her
m, for packages in the mail and phonecalls
d, for telling me his secrets at 60
g, for loving me unconditionally

just writing this all made me miss things i didn't think i would as much as i do at this very moment. i'm going to read his letter, listen to my happy tunes, and sleep. & ♥

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