so many things

10.22.09back& forth
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�We are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind�s door at 4am of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends. We forget all too soon the things we thought we could never forget.�

i wonder if i will ever be a morning person. wake up early, work all day, sleep before midnight.

i have been thinking of a lot of "i am nothing if not..." statements. i don't know why. but i am someone who loves to learn. "i am nothing if not so intensely curious about what will happen in my life," which is why i have never in any period of sadness or even the deepest darkest days i have had, where i didn't even want to move, i never wanted to kill myself or die or stop living. yes, a long sleep might have sounded inviting so i could ignore whatever i didn't want to or couldn't deal with at the time, but i would still want to wake up and see how thing turned out. this defense mechanism, however deeply ingrained, is a definite part of who i am. i think life is exciting all by itself - i think time is a crazy thing, how quickly months can pass, seasons changing, days that last forever, and on and on and on.

i have known this about myself since i was little. i was five years old and i kept diaries and read voraciously. the other day i was thinking about these things - how we were when we were young - and how they can shape us, remind us who we have been and who we are.

i have been writing for as long as i knew how to, for as long as i can remember. i've been writing in this same white box for EIGHT YEARS. that is so many infinite universes! i can't even imagine it sometimes.

a few minutes ago i was reading my journal that i started two years ago and it's crazy to think of all the things that have happened in that time.

also i have been up late talking my best friend through a minor crisis. i wonder when i will stop doing these things and put myself one hundred percent first. i'm exhausted.

something nice: one of my best friends sent me a conversation she was having with her boy and in it she said, "i mean i've been there. i lived in the middle of nowhere alone last year where
talking to [me] was the only thing that kept me sane."

and it made me smile. i love my friends like family and even though i know that makes me very vulnerable sometimes, it's worth it because i don't think i could've survived the last few years without the lovely people i have been lucky enough to meet & smart enough to keep around.

it is 4am & i need to sleep. again, i wonder if i will ever be a morning person. i just love the night.


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