"capturing myself in a photgraph, as best i can in leaves and letters, handing my seventeen year old girl mind, culture and heart into someone's hands and see if it takes me to a new city, new faces, new places. steps i'll be taking, so many wonderful people i want to meet. it makes all this stress, these lamps lit late night, all worth it. building a new vantage point, a new climax, a new metaphor. to art musuems in the middle of march. to driving down empty streets with the music loud in my ears. to nights on the ocean. to shared space with secret snowflakes.

and as i reflect back on this relationship, this boyface, this him&i, these overflowing words, this love. tonight the layered sunset left me wondering where his voice was, thinking this would be about the time the phone would ring and we'd float to the parking lot behind the all night ice cream place and there we'd be. this is not the end. this, more than anything else about these sunlit days leave me open: there is more to come, there is more than this. and it is here, it is just around the corner, it is a few messy deadlines and duedates away. and this life in the meantime. lives on with all the breadth and fury of a hurricane cradling life under a crescent moon."

*

there is this post going around about 30 things that make you know you're almost 30 - one of which is that when you say "back in college..." and that was almost ten years ago. oh my actual god this was TEN YEARS AGO.

a life told on the internet, a writer's life, will forever be sad and strange and chilling. or maybe warm, hands round a cup of tea on a fall morning - can you believe that sunshine? how an old photograph looks? how happy and skinny and carefree we looked?


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