*

sometimes listening to 'my old jams' on spotify reminds me so intensely of the past i have to shake myself out of it. i'm not 19, spooning everyone and living it up in college. i'm not in the car with the windows down on my way to go to shows in a small town. i'm not applying to grad school, i'm not in miami hanging out with my friends and i'm not 23 and depressed. i'm not 24 and trying to figure out my insomnia. no, i'm 29 and feeling good. life is good. it's snowy. i am making money. i had the best trip to panama ever. i have my next vacation booked. i signed up for chase sapphire preferred and earned a shit ton of points to use for future travel. my taxes are 99% filed, just waiting for my other W-2 to come in the mail.

it's crazy, i know. i can barely believe it myself. i am still pretty much exactly the same except i take more time for myself, i give a lot less fucks about almost everything else, and i don't procrastinate. i consider all of this a win.

and i'm less scared of relationships. i feel comfortable, cozy in mine. i don't need it but i like it, i choose it, i choose him. and that's a good place to be.

i'm in the best shape of my life, after the last six months of smaller portions and a lot more protein. i've always been a great exerciser, i love it, need it for sanity, it's easy for me. eating is harder because i love food and could eat and eat and eat. but now i just eat less, and it's good. i feel better. i fit into my suits i was sworn into the bar in. that feels good. and i still do all the fun stuff, like go spinning and walk my miles and try not to aggravate my back injury.

and i wear lace everything and it makes me happy. black everything and high heels on marble floors, across the office, fancy and formal and i feel fine.

*

so, a snow day is great because i can wear navy silk PJ's and cotton tie dye and uggs and lounge and work at the same time.

i watched all of homeland, it was so amazing. carrie (claire danes) is an incredible actress and saul was not allowed to die and it's just SO GOOD. deciding what i'll watch this weekend. time to catch up on the good wife, sherlock, elementary.

it's time for a few small repairs, she said...
it's nice to look back on the years and see how this past year, especially, i settled more into my life and my work and my relationship and my relationship with friends and my money goals and my travel goals and my family relationships. i worked at it, and it's paid off, paying off.

and that's bliss. that i'm so grateful for. bliss like this.


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