my boyfriend waking me up in my parent's house, their mountain home.
the cinnamon rolls of my childhood in the morning -- that i've been looking forward to all year. it's christmas day, not christmas week or month, just some small pieces of chocolate fudge cake, and enjoying them.

working out, that panic that new year's is coming and i like to get on the exercise train early. though i've been spinning tons, and getting in my minimum three miles, and eating the right things, and making good choices. that panic - a new year, what to start with that clean slate of january 1.

but-- a good christmas, a great christmas.

we booked a cruise for my 30th and i'm so. fucking. excited. it's made me so so so happy and i keep carrying that into every day. that is the bonus of booking things far in advance - the multiplied pleasure of looking forward to it.

and relieved - cruise is booked, hotel is booked, flights are booked. IT. IS. HAPPENING! and yet, that small nagging voice, why not south africa, why not columbia, why not hawaii-- i want to go all the places, and this place feels like to the exclusion of others, for a hot second, til i'm like, no, this was EXACTLY what i wanted - not having to plan out every ounce of travel detail, a lot of options, sunny weather, and a great, glorious ship. i've never been one for huge birthday celebrations, but thirty feels big, and grand, and worth celebration.

*

today it rained and rained, and mom and i walked down to the creek with the dogs. walked on the treadmill while my love and i did crosswords. had the best bbq in town at home. watched it rain some more. went on another walk at night, the sky like a painting, remembering to write here when my brother stood in the creek. should i go in i thought? to stand up and live before i sit down to write? "today i stood in a river and felt it move around me." and then we kept walking, up the hill, flashlights lighting up the fog.

this year i stood in the river, and felt it moving, waiting for me, until i could finally submerge myself, swimming and splashed and coming up for air, feeling the shock of the new cold and with it tightened cheeks and a smile.

it's been a year. a transition. walking upriver. and today i was on the bridge. christmas. it wasn't cold, we didn't light a fire, i didn't stand in a river.

but it was good, and warm, and welcome. i feel spoiled, spoiled, spoiled.

talking with my dad about fixed versus variable mortgages. asking to be a part of those conversations, and trying not to get jealous of things that aren't for me, yet.

and what's next? sunday, home, and before sunday is here again, i'll be off to panama. spoiled. i can smell the christmas tree, that glorious smell of wood and leaves and fir. spoiled. dogs at my feet. spoiled. boyfriend's leg over mine as i type this. spoiled.



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