i recovered almost textbook perfectly after gb removal surgery. except. my back. it never got better. 'it's from the surgery, how you were positioned,' they said. okay. but six weeks later, and 24/7, unrelenting, chronic pain - this is not normal. steroids. accupuncture. another series of spinal injections (2). a massage, where i cried because for 20 minutes i was not actively in pain, my back wasn't actively throbbing or shooting pain or pulsing or dull and aching. cried because there was a brief respite, some little daisy pushing through the earth to some sunlight. that eventually this can feel better. it hurt if it sat, if i was laying down, with my legs up, walking, standing, there was no. relief. add in some more weeks. hours and hours at PT. finally starting to feel better. not great, not 100, still on All The Painkillers - but no longer falling out of my chair in pain. i had a friend over for dinner, and getting up to refill our drinks, my back just seized up and i fell to my knees. fell right over out of my chair. i hate it. but i kept working and working, doing everything. and i was starting to be able to walk without unbearable pain.

and then i fell. hard. in my bathroom. at 2am. half asleep and stone cold sober. and then it allll went to shit again. thinking i'd be bruised, and tender, like my ego, for a few days - and then back to normal. but no. worsening and worsening. shooting pains down my left thigh, leg, calf, foot. i have never had pain shoot down that far ever in my entire life. the calf and thigh pain were unbearable. it was keeping me up at night. time to call in the cavalry. had to do a test for a DVT and a new MRI. no dvt, thank god. more physical therapy, over and over again, being poked and prodded, traction on a machine, stim pads all over my back, dry needles, massage - it's not fun, it's horrible.

wanting to die, actually die, for this pain to stop. i tell my boyfriend, crying. i tell my therapist. i'm not suicidal, i'm not making plans. but i want to die. i understand, she says. you're telling me just how bad the pain is. yes. i am just so tired of this. of being alone. of not being able to work. of not being able to make fun plans.

(yesterday i stood in my kitchen on my own two feet for two hours, making gourmet pizza, and it's the best i have felt in more than three weeks. hour after hour after hour. i just want to go back to work.)

yes.
i am so tired.
i am so, so tired.



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