after an absolutely scorching 90 degree day, driving into cool north carolina nights
the amount of joy i felt for it being a windy, blustery fifty degrees and raining for three days straight, walking an hour every morning alone after coffee. trees in the rain are the new wheelbarrows.

buying jeans and wearing them, for the first time in years; i simply must admit that 2019 was now most certainly a while ago, a whole 'college' ago if we are counting in four-years time, as i am wont to do. from my formative years, every road trip in measured in hours - one hour is from miami to the keys (nothing!), four hours is from miami to orlando.

back more north and more east to some of the most beautiful spring days, windows thrown open, pollen swirling everywhere, music playing, always music playing. the joy of sleeping in my own bed after traveling. waking up with my husband, who starts every day New. always happy to see me in the morning.

it is twelve hours later, and i feel in a rage tonight-- it is hot, we won't have a/c for another month, and i hate this time of year. i want to sleep in ice cold, it's going to be in the 90s on friday, fuck this shit.

and then i am listening to the starting line and it is absolutely startling that it's been twenty years-- oh shit, it really has. i can look back on old entries and know twenty years ago i was writing my best ten typed pages to submit for a creative writing prize. it literally shocked me out of my 'it's because i'm hot and miserable' rage.

lately i am getting notifications of old posts from old friends who i have fallen out of touch with, who were invited to my wedding but then the pandemic and now it's been three years and they have a new husband and a baby and... it just all seems so far away, the old days when we all lived in our cities, when it felt easy. this is like 0.01% of a day. take today, for example.

the sun was shining but it was cool and breezy. i made dan's favorite dish yesterday, my carne guisada (a stew) in red pepper sauce with a ton of carrots and potatoes, the last heavy dish of the season, the surprise cool weather made it possible. kale salad, cubed manchego, strawberries and homemade lemon dressing. bee was here yesterday and we took a ton of lulu to their recycle/trade in program, to great relief. it feels like a year has passed since friday. monday was such a random day, sitting down at the computer to put the finishing touches on taxes and then my contact breaking in two in my eye and for the first time in like twenty five years of wearing contacts, having to go to a doctor to get them to get the piece of contact out of my eye. what a disaster. my eye doctor wasn't in that day, so i was downtown walking around googling eye places and ended up basically begging my way into a busy surgical optometry practice, and it being the small world it always is, is my friend's doctor. i thought i was going to get a parking ticket since i ended up waiting three hours and of course parkmobile wasn't working and i paid in coins, but i was afraid to leave and that they'd call me. afterwards, just sitting in my car, numb from drops and from this random fire drill, getting cava and going to the hardware store to get finials. just going on, and on, and on. yesterday was another whirlwind, running errands - costco and hmart and not having enough time to go to the gardens so driving through all green lights and making soup during therapy, going to lulu and prepping all the fruits and veggies. today's am plans got moved to tomorrow, so it was like a free space. everything was prepped. everything was clean. there was nothing i had to do, felt stressed to do. rest, i guess, which i learn over and over is what i need. trying to stay in bed and get a little more sleep.

meanwhile i am typing all of this, old emo songs are playing, brand new and jack's mannequin. 'it's failure by design.' but today was so beautiful, after some really busy days finally feeling relaxed, everything in its place, a free afternoon, and so i sat down to write. here and in my word documents, emails. looking at collections of mary oliver, listening to music, going on a walk. it is this and the other simple pleasures of life i appreciate.

and then i'm reading old words and crying when a cool breeze finally comes in, reading an entry about fall. how to say the air felt like a break in the hot fever dream.

things to not goldfish away
lavender haze acoustic
phoebe bridgers on repeat forever
fruit season! strawberries and citrus - lemons and cuties
exploring cary, nc
group being over
the best time in atlanta
taking photos of the little things
finishing the cinnamon rolls
ted lasso and yellowjackets - two very different soccer stories
finishing taxes
a million other tiny beautiful things


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