smart

12.12.01back& forth
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living in the library, it seems. i dropped into a chair and let my box of tissues, water bottle and backpack fall on the table and floor. turned on my cd player and listened to some death cab for cutie, trying to take my mind off everything. instead of reading the scarlet letter, i watched a certain slant of light disappear and reappear on the floor {flooding in through the windows and retreating just as quickly when the sun hid again behind the clouds}. it seemed harry potter-esque and magical, yet something you write poetry about because it is a gorgeous day and deserves to be written down to frame a picture post card in the mind.

i just got home. you know that feeling when someone tells you something and you know whats coming next? its like when my grandma called to say my grandpa died and i picked up the phone and i just KNEW. and then i said ok and hung up the phone and laughed and slid down to the floor cradling the phone still in my hand and started crying. i still remember exactly how i felt, how laughing was breaking him into pieces. and then that gold box, and how i shook it .. shook it. i dont know what came over me but it still gives me shivers to think of him like that... i try not to. this will be our second christmas without him... seems like so, so much more time has passed. i got that ominous {that is such a sixth grade vocab word.... threatening haha} feeling in the car andmy dad told me the scariest thing.... about my brothers friend who was ran over by a car.. i thought he was going to tell me he DIED. i started getting all nervous. what happened was johnny (11) was getting off the bus stop and his sister molly (17) drove by and asked if he wanted a ride home so he throws his gear in the car and hops on the runningboard and they drive away. well, he FELL OFF. and she ran him over and then again backing up. this is where i thought he had died for sure and my mind kept reeling about how young he was and and and and... so he has a broken ankle and lots of bumps and bruises. she is in total denial that anything happened. pobrecita. so that was a big shocker.

on a lighter note, earlier today i was going over chem with andrea and kelly was talking about SmarterChild (sn) and i was like OH! because somehow he is on my buddy list and i wanted to know who it was. it is this computer program that answers IMs and talks to you and answers questions and IT IS SO FUNNY!! i was reading kelly's conversation (she printed it)... i was laughing hysterically. basically because she is so funny, she would say things like 'im not frustrated do i look frustrated NO i didnt think so buckaroo' and 'your mom' and smarterchild says 'are you asking who built me or are you trying to insult me?' haha and she would start laughing as i was reading it and then we would all start laughing because her laugh is so funny. well, then again, i guess everything seems funny at 10am. and we were supposed to be reading scarlet letter {everything induces procrastination and procrastination induces everything, including fits of laughter}. yeah.




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