today

is

a

new

day what i thought then: this is when i say i.ve had enough. when i have lists of why i shouldn.t, on how it is destroying me in every way. when i can.t be away because it is safe. it makes me so. sad. that i have built my home in this box, felt love and anger here, because i emptied Me here, and now that part of me in words on a page instead of memories in someone else.s mind. and i think that is important to me. because when everything stems from the fact that i write here, it is over. the end. it.s scary to leave and not come back, but. really. i can.t keep doing this. in any way. can you help me? you can.t. words are just not enough when there aren.t realities and faces to connect them too. it.s not enough for me. it.s not. it can.t replace and until everything is intact, then it can.t even supplement. don.t you understand? i.m trying to be good to myself for once. can you cheer for me? i can ask stupid questions like all previous. i can try and bring him here. i could do all sorts of things. but there is no time. none. sometimes it doesn.t make sense. quit things i love? like swimming and writing? just for grades? but i know it.s best, and they.re telling me it.s best. and i.ve disobeyed and ignored for so long, but now. really. i wrote on notecards when i was up at three am unable to sleep, "i don.t want to look back at this year of my life and have it be something like, 'oh, my junior year. highschool. i thought i was in love with this boy, and i felt like i had no friends. i thought it and seventh grade were the worst years of my life, except this time, i stopped caring until after the fact. most of this stems [see, present tense] from the fact that i would write in an online diary and the most conversation i.d have in a day would be with people who really didn.t even know my first name. all this; not working on real friendships because it was so much harder than writing, and i wanted it easy. i also don.t want to not get into the college i want to go to, whichever one that is, because i procrastinated work by doing this. is there some way to use this as an outlet but still l-i-v-e?� maybe you can, but i haven.t yet. and i.m not about to ruin myself further by trying. because i.ve tried, i.ve tried. here.s a safety clause for myself, it.s my undoing. but here it is, nontheless [cause really. i.m good at hurting myself]: unless...


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