so: then. life lately. turned 31. forgot it when i woke up, was delightfully reminded, a whisper in my ear. went to work. went to bindaas, had a british uber driver deliver the sickest burn of 2017 - it's your birthday, you're not very drunk for it being your birthday. not very rock and roll, are ya? i had a glass of champagne on a week night! then the next day i requested a vanilla frosting/ vanilla cake birthday cake, so. you know. he's right ;) and being 31, i'm mostly over the idea of any fantasy self. my fantasy self lives in a hotel suite and has dinner parties every week. spoiler alert: i'd rather spend money at lululemon than at room & board but i've been doing way too much of the former and will soon be dropping dollars at the latter. but first: IRA. #myrocknrolllife

i crave being alone. i went for a walk through chinatown, as if i forgot the outside existed, like i was trapped -- that while working on the concourse level of a building the outside world and sun and fresh air ceased to exist -- like slyvia plath i was trapped in a bath, under the surface, stuck, sheet of glass -- and then i remembered that i said out loud that i will try to take a 15 minute walk every day and so i went. endorphins forever; always go on the walk.

what else to recount? little packages, every day, more than one, coming and blessing my stoop and doorway and mailbox and apartment floor. mail's here. i have been shopping like lululemon will never make clothes again, and i need to stop.

the other night i was recounting things, things i have written here and things i haven't, all my truths from being Young and In Love with Life, full stop. it felt really good to say where things had come from, fear and loathing in the sunshine state, and the small repairs we keep making, making, making again. forgiving this and that, not offhand, but markedly, forgive this, then that, then this again, then that. maybe that is just life, anxiety, broken brain, the endless looping -- then i go back to delete endless, because it's like always/never -- too much, walk it back.

i'm going to try to make more time in the morning for myself. more time for sleeping, and more time to Not Rush, TM. i keep doing this -- trying to sleep, trying not to rush, and it helps. it helps to keep these things in mind. 15 minute walk every day. you don't want to live in the dark. try to give yourself time, help your future self if you're an obliger who won't put yourself first. i am so obsessed with gretchen rubin's four tendencies and frameworks, i could talk about them for hours, and i want to dissect every person i see. i miss psychology. i can't wait to go back and read the last entry because i'm that depressed and self obsessed that i want to read all the things i forgot. gold fish memory. why else would i still be writing here. all the things we try to hold on as they pass -- the crows are always counting, and it's been a long december:
but there's reason to believe
maybe this year will be better than the last.

(i listened to a podcast, tonight on the way home, on the cleanest, newest metro car, looking out at the snow, wearing my new jet black sorels from my lulu angel in canada, feeling the cool air everytime the train doors opened-- happier, with the woman who wrote quiet; and here i am, just as she described, carving out space to be alone, to write, to recharge as introverts do-- and like susan and her cafe writing -- i am reminded that i too associate writing with great pleasure, and so it is.

writing is (always) the (only) prayer, i believe i believe i believe.

my small asides for today:
something that made me laugh: today is supposed to be steak and blow job day, a month after valentine's day.
something that i do at work: right now, drink one ginger ale per day. only one.
something that i love: my network of master shoppers.
something that felt right: not having therapy this week; sleeping in today but still going in to work so that the rest of the week won't feel so crazed.
something annoying: this headache i've had for a week that won't subside.
something exciting: all the days to come. this minute. right now.


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